I live the life that I created in dreams. Seems strange, doesn't it? I mean, there's hardly a thing in my life right now that I wouldn't have dreamed of having when I was younger, except for the fact that I'm fuckin fat. But even the issues surrounding that would have been so chic for me. I was a twisted kid. I was depressed in my formative years, and I detested happy people. I could not relate to a happy person. I loved the people you knew had problems, the people who could be sad....

I am listening to Comfortably Numb. I was looking at the screen for a moment, just feeling the song to see where it would take me, and where it took me for only a second was such a painful memory that my sight became fuzzy and I was dizzy to the point of passing out. And just as I typed that above it hit again. It's the pain of the memory. It hurts sooo much that I am just, just freaking out!!!! I actually like feeling like my body is just messed up and disconnected and that my head...

It isn't raining outside or in. I can't cry. I daydreamed earlier about it, when I was leaving class. I imagined that she (me) would go into her room and lay on her bed and just cry, in desolation by the fact that she's got kid-bangs because she singed her bangs NOT once, but TWICE and had to cut them even shorter. She cries also because she needs love soooo much and she is soooo utterly alone. She hasn't felt any love whatsoever in God knows how long, from anyone at all. She's like ...

It seems like a ridiculous thought to "get help". My bangs aren't all so bad, and I know it. Don't get me wrong, I still have them passionately, but I've seen people do MUCH more damage with their bangs than me (APRIL!!!). Things seem like they're being ridiculously dramatic. I thought I wanted to write, but I've decided I don't. Fuck that. Fuck it.

I burned my bangs today. They were at THE PERFECT length. Just right. Just the way I had always wanted them. And then I got up and looked at my hair in the mirror. There was a funny light beige thing coated on the ends of some, and i instantly knew, even though I'd never seen it before. My hair was BURNED. Severely. I had to cut my bangs shorter!!! Tragic. And sooo friggin depressing. i had my little sad attack and now I'm better. Mostly because I can't see it... My mood is goi...

I'm having an actual heart attack. Actually it is a panic attack because of the huge wave of pain that has engulfed me because of the music I am listening to. I mean I am really shaking, and I really am having a panic attack, so it does suck... I feel as if I'm being swept in, swept under, to continue on with my life as it is because right now the "as it is" is almost unbearable already. It's been triggered by a huge number of things, starting with the fact that I am flat broke (ab...

I remembered today things from when I was younger. Basically, how it came about is that I'm reading a book that is making me think of my thoughts and ideals, and how it's changed throughout the years. Like, what I was like during my formative years and how I really ended up forming. Whether the kid I was would want to become the me that I am, would accept it if not, or would be furious. On first thought, I am pretty sure the kid I was in middle school would NOT be wearing a PINK somethin...

Today Dharma (bless her soul) said something to me about whether my "issues" come from an outside source. I mean, all this rebellious talk of not using antidepressants because they merely cover up the real problems. They dull the pain but they don't take care of the reason the pain was there in the first place. It's like having a rotting cavity in one of your teeth, and simply taking aspirin continually instead of going to the dentist and getting it fixed. I don't know if I even believe i...

I'm sinking into the madness. I felt it when I wrote a sentence while talking to my friend. We had a good convo that I should keep for future posting... Here was the sentence : I'm So Lonely And No One Is Around To Talk To Me, And I Just Want A Friend!! says: It almost seems ridiculous for me to even leave my room And there it was. And there I am. I'm talking to a friend now about it, but we'll see where it gets me. At least I know that I'm starting right now, and m...

How frustrating it is that I am completely unable to form physical relationships with guys that I interact with. I mean, the main reason I waste time interacting with guys in the fact that one of them will lead to a relationship, and it never happens. I just get another guy friend, or something weird ends up happening and we're no longer friends for whatever reasons. Oh how frustrating, the feeling of utter self disgust! What reason is there that I can find no connection to someone who kno...

She blinked and thought of all the totally crazy, random thoughts she could have come up with at one time. Smoke tendrils curled into her nose, smelling of cigarettes and weed. She tried to remember when that time was, but her mind was filled with a caricature of them all as kids from That 70’s Show, sitting around a table smiling and laughing. She would definitely be Kelso, stupid but ridiculously good looking, she decided. Or Hyde. Hyde had better taste in music, rebellious/idiot ways, a...

I've been finding lately that my diet consists mainly of tobacco and weed. But I have eighty dollars, groceries, a bag and a pack of cigarettes, and don't have anything else to spend it on. If only I could decide what I want to buy with it, and just BUY IT!!!! I thought about shit for a while, but I just don't know if I can do that by myself. If I just got Oxy or something, because I could... But I want something memorable with this. But white gold just seems not rewarding enoug...

Oh, how bitter and sweet love is! How equally wonderful and disgusting. I'm somewhere in between extreme disgust/hate and euphoric love and endearment. Like a panic attack... How torturous dreaming no longer of someone's kisses, but his eyes and his hands and the way his shoulders felt. Euh. I just don't even know what to do about the pain these days. They're some of the most beautiful and memorable days that I may have ever spent, and may ever. I'll remember these days forever, ...

My eyes say what I can't My lips tell secrets without even opening I don't have to say your name I don't have to say anything My eyes tell it all But you don't know anything None of it, none of the secrets You could know everything And you say you want to know So I tell you But you don't look in my eyes And you can't listen With your ears closed You can't see with your eyes shut My open, screaming eyes Telling you everything I can never say And you could know if you want...

So I'm really quite drunk right now. I just walked into my room and listended to a new messsage on my answering machine that was totally bizarre, but I dont feel connected to it in the least bit. The person who sent the message was some random guy. I mean, I heard his voice and everything but I'm willing to bet that i've never heard that voice before. Besides, I would have to say probably... three people out of everyone in the world (not affiliated to the U of MN) know my number, and thats...