Just Like A Woman

Published on September 20, 2004 By Tangled Wishes In Blogging

I burned my bangs today.

They were at THE PERFECT length. Just right. Just the way I had always wanted them.

And then I got up and looked at my hair in the mirror. There was a funny light beige thing coated on the ends of some, and i instantly knew, even though I'd never seen it before. My hair was BURNED. Severely. I had to cut my bangs shorter!!!

Tragic. And sooo friggin depressing. i had my little sad attack and now I'm better. Mostly because I can't see it...

My mood is going up and down and all around. I've been getting by pretty well being broke. I haven't got a lot to eat. In fact, I've got hardly anything to eat but it's okay. My medicine is out, and it costs about $15 for a new bottle, so I won't be getting any. I don't suppose I'll mind too much about that til probably the end of the week. Shit, and I have to pay Pat back like twenty dollars.

Oh boy, are things crashing down on me!! Not only am I terribly underfed and a frickin walking eating disorder to boot, i'm lonely, depressed, not sleeping well, and BROKE PEOPLE, FREAKING BROKE. I'm trying to adapt to being in the world, not stoned and it's actually a huge step, just making a lifestyle step that doesn't make me very happy AT ALL. I WANT to be able to smoke weed, all the time, whenever I want, and the reason I can't is because I don't have that money. And when I don't have that money, oh God, it just tears me up. I've NEVER been broke. I've NEVER not had enough to get by VERY comfortably.

It does feel like an adventure, and I know it is, and it is kind of exciting, trying to find ways to make it through the days without starving and still being able to take a shit... It's interesting seeing how I make it through each day in a very monetary world and not having a cent to spare. All I've got is weed and a bag of Top (which hasn't been touched, surprisingly) and I'm not accepting donations.

I have enough alcohol to get quite drunk in a night. That's a funny thought... When someone is so dead broke, they get by on stolen apples and sierra mist (or anything else they can smuggle out of food service), manage to drink the water from the water fountain because it is in a big jug that had lemon juice from a fresh lemon I had from the time of prosperity, and it makes the water drinkable.

The whole joke of it is, since I've got severe eating issues, when I do get meals they had better be healthy, or they're not being eaten hardly at all. The only exception to this rule is if the unhealthy food is the ONLY meal I get that day, and that happens to me often. I have ten meals a week, and there are seven days in a week. That means that four of the seven days of the week only get one meal, and then three get two, or else five get one, and one gets two, and one gets three. Or two get three, and four get one, and one gets none. You get the point though. Then I allow usually two to three "free" meals at TMC a week. That's thirteen meals, you say to yourself.

But how it balances out is, MWF I eat breakfast at food service. That leaves seven Food Service meals, 3 TMC. TTh, I don't have class til noon so I dont wake up until breakfast is over, and I don't have time to go to lunch. But TTh I go to TMC for dinner, so there's still 7 FS and 1 TMC. MWF are iffy for dinner. Sometimes I will go to dinner with Meghan and Jake, but not often. Sometimes I stay in Pine and make something here, or make something at Dana's with my own food. Or at least used to. Saturdays I am NEVER out of bed by one o'clock to make it to breakfast. I hate food service weekends so usually for dinner I am gone or making something for myself. Sundays, though, I eat brunch at Food service. Then for dinner I usually go to TMC. So there are no TMC meals left, and five or six FS meals.

What I have left to eat in my dorm (complete) are freeze-dried strawberries and raspberries for cereal. A fifth of a hunk of cheese. A not-ripe pomegranate. a half a box of PLAIN crackers. Plain. 100% plain no flavor no zazz no nothing. Three or four cans of campbell's soup such as chicken noodle or chicken and rice. Chicken broth can, noodles for soup, two cucumbers, salad dressing, salad topping with sunflower seeds and fake bacon bits. Celery good only for cooking. Green onions. Mushrooms. Four beers, and a little bit of captain morgan. Old and probably bad baby red potatoes. Plain oats for cooking oatmeal. No sugar, individual packets of splenda. Sunflower seeds.

Do you see the oddness and inability to get anything to eat out of that funny list of foods? Weak soups not made to be the only thing you eat from one in the afternoon on a saturday til noon the next day. Besides you want to get something in your stomach to get drunk, and kiddy soup isn't going to do it. There really isn't anything i can say besides that.

I am going to have to start getting up early on TTh now so I can take a normal shit with all of my basic food groups, also so I can steal things to be stolen from breakfast, such as donuts, apples, and small funny looking oranges. I guess I could steal cereal, too, and from here on out I'm stealing cheerios to mix with my freeze-dried strawberries and raspberries. Apples are basically the only thing I steal from food service, except for some crazy and amazing reason dinner had salted soy beans on sunday, and possibly too still now. I hope they will next time i'm there on Wednesday, because then I will steal a ZILLION and get some chili pepper or something to make them a little spicy. Great idea. Besides that, all I can really steal is salads... SALADS! Grrrreat idea. I have salad dressing AND salad topper here in my room! I'll start stealing bags of salad from food service

Things are working out, so it seems. See? It is an adventure for me. I just wont think about what is going to happen when I don't get my anti-sciriosis medicine. A lot of itching. Ack, can't think about it!

~So I'm taking these excited little steps every day that get me through these tough times. Lucky
me

Comments

dharmagrl

on Sep 20, 2004

Anne...how did you burn your bangs? I think I know, but I want to hear you say it.

Have you looked at this article? Have you compared it to what you were writing about yourself back in March and April? I'm shocked, and I'm saddened. Part of me wants to swoop you up and take you home with me and feed you and take care of you...and the other part wants to smack some sense into you and make you look at yourself in the mirror.. I know that you're depressed, Anne, and I know that getting stoned makes you feel better...but you've got to put down the pot. Seriously.

Everyone has their rock bottom, Anne. I think that you're getting pretty close to yours. I can't help you until you're ready to be helped, and I don't think you'll be ready until you hit bottom. When you do, let me know. I'll do whatever I can to help you.

Janders

on Sep 21, 2004

I'm sorry that it seems like your life is crashing around you.

Please don't throw your life away drinkining and smoking pot. You seem like a smart girl (you're in college after all), and I am sorry your so unhappy, but drinking or smoking won't make trhings better. Those things are temporary and will end up making things worse.

I am sure your school has acsess to free student counseling. I would take advantage of that.

Hang in there.

Phoenixboi

on Sep 21, 2004

Umm reading your article strangely makes me feel helpless... cause I think of how horrible it is to be addicted and want the addiction rahter than what you know is good for you, cause it consumes your life and everything around you until you really have nothing left and then it is only until you are really smacked into sense that you see whats happening.
I hope things get better for you soon.
Life is an adventure. Feel what your feeling at this moment because when things get better you will really appreciate it and understand what its all for.

Tangled Wishes

on Sep 21, 2004

Well, my bangs hang at about the top of my eyebrows. Not too bad, I guess...

Hearing all this makes me feel a lot frustrated and a lot sad.

I've got a post for it I'm going to write right now.

~Me

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