Desolation Row

Published on September 21, 2004 By Tangled Wishes In Blogging

It seems like a ridiculous thought to "get help".

My bangs aren't all so bad, and I know it. Don't get me wrong, I still have them passionately, but I've seen people do MUCH more damage with their bangs than me (APRIL!!!).

Things seem like they're being ridiculously dramatic.

I thought I wanted to write, but I've decided I don't.

Fuck that. Fuck it.

Comments

dharmagrl

on Sep 21, 2004

It seems like a ridiculous thought to "get help".

It seems to me a ridiculous thought to have to steal food so you can eat.

It seems to me to be ridiculously dramatic that you once second want to come off meds so you can work through your pain, then the next second talk about needing (not wanting anymore, but needing) to get stoned so it doesn't hurt any more.

You're in trouble, Anne. You know that. Let me help you....please, let someone help you.

Tangled Wishes

on Sep 21, 2004

Here's the point.

I don't want help.

I'm not so much of a fool to think that you can help me, I know you cannot. You know so ridiculously little about me, and yet at the same time more than anyone else...

I'm not capable of opening up in therapy. I am unable to do it, it's something that I am incapable of doing. Don't think I haven't tried, years of private and family therapy added up to SHIT.

There ain't NO WAY that by sitting uncomfortably in a room with some other person whom is PAID to give a fuck about you is merely asking you how your week went. What the fuck is that all about? Group therapy: there's always someone there who overtalks about their problems and people like me don't get a chance to say shit. Elizabeth Wurtzel said it best in "Prozac Nation":

"That's the problem with reality, that's the fallacy of therapy: It assumes you will have a series of revelations, or even just one little one, and that these various truths will come to you and will change your life completely. It assumes that insight alone is a transformative force."

And that's the truth. I already know what's wrong with me. I can tell anyone what I can tell a therapist, and I'm still in the same place.

What in the hell can counseling do for me that I cannot? Actually, the better question is, what can counseling DO for you?

(getting long, continuing on in a new blog)

dharmagrl

on Sep 21, 2004

I don't want help.

Because you're not ready for it yet.

No-one's asking you to open up in a roomful of strangers, no-one's asking you to talk to a therapist.

I'm just asking you to stop killing yourself. Which is what you're doing.

Tangled Wishes

on Sep 22, 2004

I don't know if I am.

I prefer to think I'm trudging. I'm making my way through an impossible life. I don't want to kill myself, and I think right now that's all that's really important to me. Depression? Meh, I can deal with that. Been there, done there, got through it all right. Being suicidal is a whole different ball game, and I'm not there.

I'm not going there.

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