Only A Pawn In Their Game

Published on September 16, 2004 By Tangled Wishes In Blogging

Today Dharma (bless her soul) said something to me about whether my "issues" come from an outside source. I mean, all this rebellious talk of not using antidepressants because they merely cover up the real problems. They dull the pain but they don't take care of the reason the pain was there in the first place. It's like having a rotting cavity in one of your teeth, and simply taking aspirin continually instead of going to the dentist and getting it fixed.

I don't know if I even believe in the part of getting it fixed at the dentist yet, but I sure know that just trying to veil the pain is NOT the right idea. Perhaps if I took the pills regularily, without ever having quit, I wouldn't even be in this situation, but I'm glad that I am. It's part of me learning the VALUABLE lesson that drugs are not the cure. And I need to learn that first hand. it means more than just because of the state of depression on whole, it affects me in other ways also.

But I need to work through all these issues in order to be fine, and as far as that's concerned right now it's a huge step just to get out of bed in the morning, and to stay out of bed all day. There's no good reason for me to take a nap at two in the afternoon if I got over seven hours of sleep at night! Unless I'm not sleeping well. But I KNOW my body, I know my self, and I know that if I take a nap it is NOT because I'm tired, but because I simply cannot bear being awake, for whatever my reasons are. Right now I have quite a few reasons, but I'm working through it.

Anyway, the whole purpose in the beginning of this article was that I feel like a pawn in the hands of psychology. We all have problems. We should be able to work out our problems, learn from them, grow through them (psychiatric help is fine if it works for you), and come out as better people, without the use of a brain-number of sorts to keep us steady.

For how can we ever be fully happy without being wholly down? How can we truly appreciate being with someone without ever having been truly alone?

And that, my friends, is the question I leave you on. Have faith, believe, and maybe I can too.

~Me

Comments

dharmagrl

on Sep 19, 2004

It's part of me learning the VALUABLE lesson that drugs are not the cure

So put down the pot as well. If you really want to get to the source of your pain, you have to experience that pain...figure out where it's coming from and what's causing it. You can't do that if you have no pain.

I really do know what you're going through. Honestly. I've been like you are now....I wanted to sleep all the time because staying awake hurt too much. I wanted to sleep and stay asleep and not wake up until all the hurt was gone and things were....well, they were happy and bright and 'normal' again.

My wish for you at the moment is that you figure out what's causing you all this pain.

Gideon MacLeish

on Sep 19, 2004

For how can we ever be fully happy without being wholly down? How can we truly appreciate being with someone without ever having been truly alone?

And that, my friends, is the question I leave you on. Have faith, believe, and maybe I can too.

I agree with you on this, but I believe Dharma has a point about the pot. While I've used it for extreme depression in the past, I realized some years back that it was wiser to slog through it myself. Interestingly enough, the more you deal with it, the less potent future waves become; I think this is one of the reasons people who've used antidepressants regularly tend to get hammered if they ever go off their meds; they're not used to dealing with that level of pain and it often overwhelms them.

dharmagrl

on Sep 19, 2004

I think this is one of the reasons people who've used antidepressants regularly tend to get hammered if they ever go off their meds; they're not used to dealing with that level of pain and it often overwhelms them.

Yep. Sometimes you just have to work through it. It's tough, but it's worth it.

Castle

on Sep 23, 2004

Unfortunately, people tend to define themselves by their level of misery. I, myself did in the past and can promise you that chemically induced escapes only lead to more misery. Without a foundation to build on, many people continue to fall victim to the snowball effect. One crash leads to another that leads to another and so on - until every aspect of your life seems unbearable. My solution was slow but gave me the foundation that I needed to build upon. I focused on repairing one small aspect of my life and refused to allow any other part to negatively effect it - specifically the upkeep of my home. Yes, it seems trivial but at the time even this was a tough chore for me and coming home to a filthy house only made me more depressed. Once I conquered this I moved on to more challenging issues. One by one, I slowly pulled myself out of the mud until one day I woke up with a real hope and respect for myself that I had not experienced in years. It's a long road but totally worth the trip.

All this coming from a guy that went thru an ugly divorce, bankruptcy, foreclosure and basically homeless in the space of one year.
- healing is always possible but you have to force it to happen.

Tangled Wishes

on Sep 23, 2004

I think it's out of my hands.

I feel like a victim of life... I feel like I'm that example.

You know, the one who couldn't pull it all together, and anyway I don't know where to start and really don't care anymore if I DID end up pulling it all together.

The world would have to change with me.

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