Tell Me That It Isn't True

Published on September 19, 2004 By Tangled Wishes In Blogging

I'm having an actual heart attack.

Actually it is a panic attack because of the huge wave of pain that has engulfed me because of the music I am listening to. I mean I am really shaking, and I really am having a panic attack, so it does suck...

I feel as if I'm being swept in, swept under, to continue on with my life as it is because right now the "as it is" is almost unbearable already.

It's been triggered by a huge number of things, starting with the fact that I am flat broke (able to get meals, though) and too proud to ask for money. I should never have gotten into the position where I DON'T have money, so as I become more malnourished (which IS bound to happen, but I am not too bothered about) I know I deserve it... I shouldn't have spent that money, but I have, and now here I am. But at least I have a lot of REMARKABLE pot... It's the second-best I've ever owned (second only to the stuff I had laced with coke) and definitely in the top two or three I've EVER smoked... Anthony's has always been remarkable, but I can't really remember all of his...

So there's some peace in the chaos, which is my personal goal now, I mean, finding peace in chaos is. So the fact that I have no food or drink only pennies and quarters reserved for the entire YEAR of laundry. And $13 dollars in the bank. I dont intend on using that money NOW, I would rather wait til I am MUCH more desperate than I am NOW. And besides I'm not desperate now. I lived like this all summer, except then, I had water.

But no matter!

Another depression issue is the sudden memory of all things long past. Remembering being depressed as a kid, and hearing all this stuff that just made my life. Hearing the things that defined who I was. And NOW I'm listening to THE MOST AMAZING AND HEART BREAKING PIANO MUSIC ever and it just knocks on the hidden pressures of finding even a DATE. I'm so bass-ackwards with guys that there is absolutely no possible way that I could even KNOW WHERE to find a guy right now, and when I found him I'd have no idea how to treat him, nor would I probably even like him so much. I've become so eccentric and so anti-sexual that it is ridiculous. There's almost no escape. I've put myself into shoes so strange and odd-shaped that my foot has melded inside them and I can't get them out. Even if I wanted to change, I wouldn't know how and even if someone offered to teach me I'd be too scared to try it, too scared to leave my hovel... I feel like I need something so much but it is so inaccessable that I just give up..........

But I feel very... alive. Every memory of every moment worth remembering to this song is swirling through my veins, and my head is stoned but amazed at how much it FEELS. I mean, how much I FEEL. I feel sooo much, i mean, in my body. I feel my joints. I feel my toes, my fingers, the blood in my very veins. It feels so real, it's like an extra high. Being this depressed is like a high!!

It's like a mania.

Dharma, shh. I know what you think, but I want to prove that notion wrong. I want to ride the wave straight through.

~Me.

Comments

dharmagrl

on Sep 19, 2004

Dharma, shh. I know what you think, but I want to prove that notion wrong. I want to ride the wave straight through.

I wasn't going to say anything about it.

I love you, and you know how to find me if you need anything.

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