Oh, how bitter and sweet love is!
How equally wonderful and disgusting. I'm somewhere in between extreme disgust/hate and euphoric love and endearment. Like a panic attack...
How torturous dreaming no longer of someone's kisses, but his eyes and his hands and the way his shoulders felt.
Euh.
I just don't even know what to do about the pain these days. They're some of the most beautiful and memorable days that I may have ever spent, and may ever. I'll remember these days forever, no doubt... And the memories will never be as clear, as beautiful, as tragic as they are now, not since I've corrupted my mind and body... And here it was, a weekend made in dreams, a weekend that should never be surpassed and I've been too high, drunk, incoherent, hung over to enjoy it like I will in the years to come. I'll look back and think, oh what an amazing and life changing weekend, it was so totally important in maturing and becoming who I am, it's a sorrow I wasn't overjoyed at the time... Or that I was so fucked up the entire time. But the past is passed and everything happens for a reason. I've been cushioning my body FOR THIS span ahead of me. I've treated it with the utmost respect, given it only the best foods, kept active, but wasn't dangerous. If you could only see the wonderfully correct things I've eaten the past four months you would understand, it's in the utmost health (besides allergies). And that is why I'm going to risk this. I'm never going to be so healthy again, and I'm NEVER going to be in good mental health. So if I don't do this now, I'll NEVER have the opportunity again and you don't KNOW how much I will regret that with all the strength in my heart.
Do you understand that? Do you know what I feel deep deep down in my heart, what I need, with all that I have? Have you passed that opportunity, that opportunity you know would have turned your life out so differently, that one missed opportunity?
Well I'm not going to let this moment get by. I'm going to grab this opportunity presented me by fate, and I know my life isn't going to turn out the way I planned. Maybe I will be able to heal and get over that whole B-- situation. Maybe this is the life that is going to be good, lucky, happy beyond all belief. Because you can only be truly happy if you've been truly sad. Maybe this is the right path.
And I don't care if it isn't. This is the one move in my life I'm really taking for me. This is my one selfish decision and I can take it because I don't have any responsibilities, no attachments, no commitments. I only have to finish college and that won't be a problem at all, and this selfish choice I'm about to make won't even take that long. But I don't have a boyfriend, the only person I am in love with doesn't affect my decisions in any way, I don't have a kid and I don't have a room mate.
I am going to do this and no one even knows. And no one is even going to be able to know because the only ones who care won't see me often or are too far away to even have any idea. I can stroll down this road around hell in my harem-room and no one is going to even notice.
Just so I can confess to someone, so that someone knows, so that someone is going to be able to understand one day if they have to... here it is.
~Me.