It isn't raining outside or in.
I can't cry.
I daydreamed earlier about it, when I was leaving class. I imagined that she (me) would go into her room and lay on her bed and just cry, in desolation by the fact that she's got kid-bangs because she singed her bangs NOT once, but TWICE and had to cut them even shorter. She cries also because she needs love soooo much and she is soooo utterly alone. She hasn't felt any love whatsoever in God knows how long, from anyone at all. She's like an empty gas tank, needing some sort of love or affection to keep her running. No one can survive without love, right?
But she also cries for things she's lost. There was one friendship, one that no one really understood, and she didn't even understand it herself... But they were best friends and had the best times together and were so comfortable and happy with each other, they were best friends. No one else has ever even come close to getting to the strength and closeness of that friendship. She has lost all contact with that friend. She has no parents' numbers, no cell numbers, no addresses, nothing. And it fills her with an even deeper desolation that the friend she always felt closest to, the friend she felt she could tell anything, the friend who mattered more than all others because of the strength and unbreakable bond between the two of them has finally been broken.
She cries, too, for the fact that she has no money, because she hasn't got a job yet, and she needs a job, and she needs money, but she also has no motivation. Is it the depression? Fear of rejection? Fear to enter the real world, and not be able to cut it?
She cries, because all she wants is a close friend to listen and actually give a shit. She cries because her "current" "best friend" disappoints her. Because she doesn't have that connection. Because that friend isn't as utterly alone as she is, and has never been, not like the other best friend, the best friend that could understand where she's coming from.
This one doesn't know a damn thing about it, and she cries because of that, too. She cries because she doesn't want to lose anthing more, but she also cries because what she has just doesn't fulfill even her basest needs.
She cries because of the lack of hope in reality. She cries because she knows someone else is going to die, she knows her heart will be broken again, if she is ever lucky enough to find someone willing to even be friends with her again. She cries because she CAN'T find any new friends, any hope of new love, and she's in a HUGE community of people looking for the same thing, just not from HER.
She cries because it is all she can do, and can't you see why she's crying? For lost loves, for lost friends, for the fact that she is alone in the world without a person who she can talk to and that can understand. She cries and cries and cries because it is all she can do.
And that is what I imagined while leaving class. But then I got to my room and sat because I couldn't cry. The only thing that I CAN do, I can't.
And even if I did, OH! The futility of crying alone in my room without anyone ever knowing.
What a waste of pain. If I let it show that I'm hurting, no one will even know anyway, so I continue on.
"You know, the worst thing about depression is that not even the smallest pleasures can offer any tiny bit of comfort. At best, they're kind of okay." ~Elizabeth Wurtzel