Psychology--Never Fails To Point Out How Messed Up I Am
How frustrating it is that I am completely unable to form physical relationships with guys that I interact with. I mean, the main reason I waste time interacting with guys in the fact that one of them will lead to a relationship, and it never happens. I just get another guy friend, or something weird ends up happening and we're no longer friends for whatever reasons.
Oh how frustrating, the feeling of utter self disgust! What reason is there that I can find no connection to someone who knows me and likes me anyway?? Am I so abominable of a creature that I don't deserve love? Isn't that one of my divine rights??
But there's this other--even more frustrating and disgusting--side of things. I'm not all that interested in meeting, getting to know, dating and then possibly falling in love with some new guy. I've done it enough times to know that I just can't deal with all the drama and the shit that comes with that relationship falling through. It's too, too much pain.
But who am I kidding? I probably won't even be in a position where someone would even be interested in me like that for God knows how long, if ever! There's this little voice in the back of my head saying "its because you're fat, you've gained too much weight to be attractive to men, because when you were skinny you got whatever guys you wanted and now you're clawing in a basement, looking up through the floor cracks at prospective suitors that never WILL be suitors because you're TOO FAT!" But God that's not true, plenty of people bigger than me have found love, and besides that isn't what love is about at all!!!!!!! But there it is, one of my insecurities 
And the worst part of it all is, I'm growing and my tastes are changing and I'm opening up my eyes to so many more things I always kept them shut tightly for, things I never needed to learn, things I never needed to see, things I never needed to hear... And now I need to hear them, I need to see them in order to exist as myself. I feel like without these things, I would not be me. It's like, a lifestyle, but one belonging solely to me.
And I want to find my lifestyle partner, my half, and Jesus Christ don't you know, I know he's out there. I've met him... I've seen him, I've loved him and here I am without him, and it seems so ridiculous doesn't it?
I mean, is there any real reason why I'm here listening to Bob Dylan by myself? I just can't find it. I mean, I've been searching for the reasons why, but there it is.
Here I am alone, knowing somewhere out there my perfect match is living their life with out me.
How do they survive, if I sometimes feel like I can't??
I can answer that... Alcohol and drugs.
It's a cycle, isn't it?
~Me