Chimes Of Freedom

Published on September 21, 2004 By Tangled Wishes In Blogging

I live the life that I created in dreams.

Seems strange, doesn't it? I mean, there's hardly a thing in my life right now that I wouldn't have dreamed of having when I was younger, except for the fact that I'm fuckin fat. But even the issues surrounding that would have been so chic for me.

I was a twisted kid. I was depressed in my formative years, and I detested happy people. I could not relate to a happy person. I loved the people you knew had problems, the people who could be sad. The people who could show the world and it was so tragic and I found it so beautiful. A preoccupation with Romeo and Juliet, except you're Juliet and you're really just killing yourself because of Life. Life is your Romeo. You can't survive together.

I loved those unhappy, pale kids in their black clothes with their maroon hair, or their purple hair, or their green hair. And they watched those classic movies like Dazed and Confused, because it was the film everyone was "toking" about. And I thought toking was talking because clearly everyone cool was talking about it. And those kids I looked up to. I remember this one girl named Krissy who was much older than me. She was sooo cool! She had bright apple red hair, was tiny, and had the highest but coolest voice ever. She wore awesome early nineties clothes, and man I just looked up to her as the coolest. She of course will never know that when I was a kid she was the coolest kind of person ever, so now I'm like looking at my life the way it is and thinking of the way I would have wanted it to be as a kid. That is something really hard for me to believe, I mean, my personality has changed some of the aspects that I as a young person thought were most important in real life. My values.

I sold out.

Pure and simple, I sold my values out to gain acceptance with the majority. I kept my idols nearby, though. I always fell for the weirdest and most creative guys, as normal as I looked. One of my very best friends was crazy but I thought she was in essence pure action, and that was what I desired to be more than anything.

Ah Shit and I get more depressed, because I've lost her

Her cell disconnected and I dont know her mom's number and her dad moved and I don't know where she lives, only a vague idea of where she works. And she doesn't have MY cell number, only my home number and I'm such a terribly cheap person that we never hung out when I started college because I cant afford to drive five hours to see her on a weekend, and when I DID go home I was either booked the entire time or well, there was no or. I was always busy, and I never thought to make time for her and I miss her so much!

I know she's crazy as hell but it was so endearing. I loved and respected her, and I kept her near me always because she was what I always wanted to be, in a sort. She had a lot of qualities I wished for. And man she was my best friend.

And I am soooo frickin miserable about that right now!! I fucked up my a friendship with someone who always referred to I and she as "heterosexual lifemates" because we had so much in common!

waaaa.

Misery strikes hard and unexpectedly, eh?

So I should finish the purpose of my post. I never finish the purpose, never follow the title. Now I am.

I'm living the life (to a certain extent) that is my dream life for right now. A few things could be improved upon but damn it my life is cool. Who doesn't want to be experiencing these cool, dangerous, slightly wild things? I mean, you'll know you can get through it okay and anyhow you'd be living the exciting life. There's no rest for the wild, my dears. When all purpose is to be so... you, and you realize that "you" are completely moldable, you'll try all sorts of cool and eccentric things. That is all I desire to do with my life... explore all eccentric possibilities. I know I'm eccentric already, and I know that I don't accept the norm very well at all (aka moderate drug abuse, plus major marijuana use tends to create for a GREAT eccentric), so I know that I should pursue an eccentric lifestyle. Just which one do I want, is what I'm trying to figure out. I'm sooo happy with my lifestyle right now, I mean, I love the little world that I've created to live in. I love my room (and I have ways to spice it up so that it becomes the ULTIMATE place for me to live), I love my decor, I love my yellow chair, I love the color scheme, the posters and wallhangings and the rugs and I just looooooove it!!!! I have plans for making it even better, too, once I get a job and get money.

I love my music, I love my smoking rolled cigarettes and I love my smoking weed. The only problem with my smoking weed right now is the fact that I can't afford my habit. There's my problem.

And I know how to solve it.

If I solve that problem, so much weight will have been lifted off of my shoulders! And being able to set up the perfect place for me to exist is going to make existing so much more peaceful, and eccentric just like I need it to be!

Despite all the despair and fear, I set up these hopes, these plans. I know it's all going to come crashing down if I don't get a job, because now without a job I won't be able to exist and still buy weed, and I'm not going to exist without weed, so pretty much I have to get a job. No weed=no happy eccentric and enjoyable life. No happy enjoyable life=even worse and scarier and unavoidable depression. Now, I can take little steps through depression on weed, or find something amazingly pleasing in real life (like creating paradise in my dorm room, which is my ultimate goal.)

Aha! New Blog time.

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