Marijuana and Cigarettes

Published on September 14, 2004 By Tangled Wishes In Blogging

I've been finding lately that my diet consists mainly of tobacco and weed.

But I have eighty dollars, groceries, a bag and a pack of cigarettes, and don't have anything else to spend it on.

If only I could decide what I want to buy with it, and just BUY IT!!!!

I thought about shit for a while, but I just don't know if I can do that by myself. If I just got Oxy or something, because I could... But I want something memorable with this. But white gold just seems not rewarding enough, and I'm already soooo psychologically addicted... How could I dream of not buying more and more and more? So no white gold. Maybe I could get Addy or something, but that seems like such a waste of money and a trip. Mesc? I mean, who wouldn't buy that!!! But I don't think it's time for that yet. Maybe I could get caps or e or something like that, something not TOO severe, like Mesc. But the best bet is shit, and I know that's so reliable and easy to find... But can I really do it by myself? I guess I could manage it... People have to start learning somewhere, but it seems like too much of a risk to try it and do it wrong and WASTE it...

Well, we'll see what happens.

~Me

Comments

ledwing

on Sep 16, 2004

Buy some real good mescal and hit the countryside for a week,If Umanage there will be some money leftover toEAT
Forget about Oxy,remember urself,the mescal will help to get rid of your self
maybe stay for a forthnight consider not to eat
a blanket a knife,simplicity is good for a period you really needs.
Be carefull with the life and its gifts.

Tangled Wishes

on Sep 16, 2004

Yea well doesnt that sound like a good plan for anyone who DOESNT HAVE RESPONSIBILITIES!!!

Hello, I'm in college here!!! If I missed two weeks of class I would be so failed so instantly, not to mention recovery time???

Lol.

My buyer decided that they're not going to get me anything good anyway... I need to meet the right people.

Arrrgggg!!!

~Me

dharmagrl

on Sep 16, 2004

Annie, know that anything I say I say out of love and concern for you....

What the hell happened to you? Last time I talked to you you were getting your head together...now you seem to be losing it totally. WTF? A little weed every now and then is cool, theraptic even....but you yourself admit that you're psychologically addicted...and now you're wondering what other dope to spend your cash on? You're heading down a slipperly slope, sweetie. I want to help you, but I don't know where to begin (or even if you want my help). Tell me how to help you, Annie.

Love,

Dharma

Tangled Wishes

on Sep 16, 2004

PS. I guess this means I may never get to try mescaline...

Tangled Wishes

on Sep 16, 2004

Dharma--

I don't know where I'm going. The antidepressants are a joke. I mean, that's how I feel. I know it's a problem and I know it's bad but I don't know... I mean, it's like, I'm totally losing my mind but subjecting the one ounce of sanity to watch it all go down. I guess to answer every question everyone asks me:

I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know

But there's this desperation, this need to be something... When I am nothing. I mean it! I am so bitterly alone in all aspects that I need to find something to replace that whole section of my life. Do you understand that?

And this will take away the feeling.

~Me

dharmagrl

on Sep 16, 2004

I am so bitterly alone in all aspects that I need to find something to replace that whole section of my life. Do you understand that?

Yes, I totally understand that. You have a void. You can't fill that void. So, you self-medicate in order to put a lid on that void. You want to gloss over the jagged edges of your pain, you want to smooth them out and make it harder to cut yourself on them. I used to do it because I hurt all the time. I wanted to sleep, to get away from the pain, I just wanted to wake up when it was all over and I had my life back.

Been there, done that.

Annie, I think that you have cyclothymia. I've thought that for ages. I think that whatever anti-depressants you're on are pushing you into a rapid cycling phase....one second you're up, one second you're down. I don't know how to help you, and I really want to.

Love, D

Tangled Wishes

on Sep 16, 2004

Thanks Dharma.

Where I am in my life right now, I'm so strongly against anti-depressants, and even clinical "descriptions". What's the point of even quitting drugs, if all I'm really going to do is find another "medication"? I don't want that at all, and I'm not going to do it.

My mood swings really haven't been that bad, and in fact it isn't really even mood swings.

Cyclothymia is an "excuse" for the way I feel, but there's a CAUSE. And I feel that by "medicating" myself on some drug that DOESN'T even make me feel better (zoloft) that I'm just suppressing the fact that there ARE causes.

I need to fight the cause, in order to fight the effect.

I hope that makes sense.

~Me

dharmagrl

on Sep 16, 2004

Cyclothymia is an "excuse" for the way I feel, but there's a CAUSE.

Yeah, it's a chemical imbalance in your brain. Cyclothimia might describe the symptoms you're exhibiting, but it's not an excuse. How did you come up with that? Are you thinking that there are outside causes for how you're feeling? And what are you doing to fight those causes?

Little Whip is bipolar as well. She'd be a good person for you to get to know.

Tangled Wishes

on Sep 16, 2004

I don't need to "know" someone bipolar to know the ropes of things.

Perhaps it is a chemical imbalance in my brain. I know there are outside causes for my depression, thats the whole point of my last statement.

I dont know what I'm doing about the exterior causes. Nothing, really, that can be done.

And there lies the problem.

~Me

(ps i know that came off rude because its late and I don't feel like putting in any more words than necessary. But this little note saying "not trying to be rude!!! i love u dharma!" is necessary.

)

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