Today when I realized how very fucked up my life has become I laughed. I laughed out loud. I like that I can find humor in the wreckage around me. I wonder when the rushing will leave my ears... Years have gone by and FINALLY I have choked on my tears till there is nothing left. Which, coincidentally, is true. Despite the fact that I desperately hate the position I am in right now, I am going to sit it out and see what all happens. This is too interesting for me to miss. If only...

I am hungry, but I don't know if my stomach is stable enough to let me eat. So I have developed the "puke test" based on what happened to me earlier this morning. I was reading Ernest Hemingway and couldn't handle it, because it was all about alcohol and knew if I read even a word more I would puke. So I've decided if I can handle reading Hemingway's alcohol talk without puking, I should be able to eat some fricking crackers. I AM TIRED OF BEING SICK! I slept since 9:30 or so th...

I got the flu again in the middle of the night. grrrrreeeat thing to wake up to. Four am and i opened my eyes, thinking, hmm, something's not right here. What is it? I layed in bed for about five more minutes and it hit me. I had to puke. Augh! I just don't know where I stand with puke. I really think puke stories are hilarious, I could laugh at them and listen to them for hours. I also don't really mind the whole process of puking when I am doing it; it doesn't gross me out any worse tha...

One weekend during high school my friend J and Mo and I went shopping in Duluth. It was near Christmas and we were all stoned. We went to some store (Walmart, I think, but for some reason I want to say we went to the cloquet Walmart next, so I'm not too sure where trhe locations were.) and we were looking at shiny christmas decorations and J grunted really creepily and loudly at a particularly shiny ornament, and then told stoned me that that was her love sound, that the sound she made whe...

Reason Number One: The song Angie. TJ sang that song to me the night he broke my heart, only he changed the name to Anne (pronounced Annie, a nickname that my boys used to call me ). I was too drunk to know the words, and when I looked them up the next day I cried for I don't know how long. "Anne you're beautiful, ain't it time we said goodbye? Angie, I still love you, remember all those nights we cried?" Well if that wasn't devastating enough, coming at the time that it did with th...

I think I wrote the best paper ever last Wednesday. I didn't turn it in until today, but even as I was writing it I thought "Damn is this good!" and turns out I was right. I went to meet with my professor today. We were supposed to have fifteen minute interviews with him and he was supposed to read our papers so we could turn in the corrected versions tomorrow before break. I went in after waiting for a few moments, he read my paper, and I was out of there in TWO MINUTES!!!! But that. T...

So it's somewhere around official moving day for me. I of course cannot stay in my apartment until Sunday when my mum brings my furniture down to Morris and then I have a bed. I of course have only packed two boxes here so far: one has half of my clothes (the stuff that is either seasonal or not worn often) and the other one has my movies and some odds and ends. Nothing important has been packed. Nothing important has happened at all... It doesn't look like I'm moving, it just looks like I'm ...

I got the flu, I am pretty sure. I went to bed at about 2:00 last night, completely sober and without having smoked marijuana ALL day (first time i've accomplished that in a while!!!!). I woke up this morning to my alarm clock that read 7:38 or something like that, and reset my alarm from 6:58 to 7:58. When my alarm went off at seven fifty eight, my first thought was, strange, I don't remember hearing my alarm more than once this morning before i changed it. But it had to have gone off at LEA...

Listening to: "Fade Into You" by Mazzy Star, "Have You Ever Seen the Rain" by CCR, "Different Drummer" by Black 47 Wishing I was: -named Mazzy Star -not feeling as shitty/sick as I do right now and that i could just sleep through stupid French class again!!! Feeling: -Sicker than a mother fucker -glad that I downloaded the best song ever! So I've been trying to download the song "Different Drummer" for an entire year . I'm about as happy about that as I can be right now, which...

Song lyrics going through my head: "Only God says jump So I set the time 'Cause if he ever saw it It was through these eyes of mine! And if he ever suffered it was me who did his crying" "it's better to burn out than to fade away" "cause i can't live with or without you" Doing: three or four things at once--writing this blog, writing a paper that's due at 2:30, i think, or 1:30 anyhow and i'm skipping a class to finish it, smoking a oney, and listening to a playlist. Playl...

Not too tired without you. gotta be up in three and a half hours. Should go by pretty quickly, shouldn't it? I don't know what the hell to do. I've been something like an emotional recluse today, don't know why, everybody noticed it but it just made me want to cry. Why all this crazy almost crying shit? Perhaps because I feel I am alone, especially, right now. It's so disappointing not being able to reach out to ANYONE. I wish there was someone for me to talk to, but I'm a pretty emoti...

Kris and I are moving in to our appartement very soon. C'est un appartement unmeuble. We don't have to pay until December but we can fucking MOVE IN SOON!!! Like, before Thanksgiving. He has to shampoo the carpets and get some things put together like the blinds and then our home is ready to be lived in!!!! I am overly happy for this. It's wonderful on so many levels. No more dorm room, no more hiding smoking weed, no more smoking outside (shit, i would almost rather quit than freeze my f...

Not a big one. Pretty sure.

I am left with a hand full of ash And a memory of the kisses And a stomach ache I will not call you I will not try to speak to any of you If I see you anywhere I will not forgive you yet Someday I might I will not cry I will not show emotion Except I will laugh And lose inside I will not have the upper hand It's all yours, I accept defeat I will not cry, not yet Someday I might I still hold my head up I still open my eyes But no one can look inside I won't let you i...