This is Anne... Complete and Real
Published on November 17, 2004 By Tangled Wishes In Blogging
Not too tired without you. gotta be up in three and a half hours. Should go by pretty quickly, shouldn't it?

I don't know what the hell to do. I've been something like an emotional recluse today, don't know why, everybody noticed it but it just made me want to cry. Why all this crazy almost crying shit? Perhaps because I feel I am alone, especially, right now.

It's so disappointing not being able to reach out to ANYONE. I wish there was someone for me to talk to, but I'm a pretty emotionally closed person. And there isn't anyone to reach out to, either. It'd be like grasping for smoke. The rest of the world doesn't exist to solve my problems, my problems don't mean anything to anyone else! Everyone has their own problems, I definitely dont have room for anyone else's problems in my life.

I just wish that didn't mean I also don't have room for any love in my life. it'll happen when I'm not looking for it. Well, if that time comes, I'm going to say "fuck you" to love and turn my back on it, like it's done to me.



Don't you see how frustrating this is? Don't you see how trapped I am, how unable I am to break free from the chains that have wrapped me, trapped me in this oblivion I am a part of? I am in a place where I don't matter a whole hell of a lot to anyone, if i just disappeared it wouldn't be soooo devastating... But wounds cannot heal when they are continuously torn open again, and it only creates more scar tissue. "Scar tissue that I wish you saw" and it's true because if anyone could see how devasted i am because of the pain i have crawled through, they would know the fears of this heart of mine.

How can anyone be so stupid enough to think that i can just be "healed"? How i can just "move on" from the most devastatingly miserable events in my life? Now would be the time to do it if i really wanted to take my life...

Somehow i just can't, not yet, not until the world knows, or at least until a few people know me... I just want to reach out to somebody, to share my experiences with the world, to share a little piece of my pain to lessen it for me. I need a savior, because I'm slipping by myself, always always slipping again. How often must I be in these shoes?

But psychology seems to say forever, with the wonderfully lucky events i've had in my life. i need a savior, someone to carry me out of this place because my wings are broken. Someone to heal me because when left alone i only seem to get worse. I can't do it by myself, i only get worse!!!

I can't do it with zoloft either. i would be using zoloft to repress hurts that need to be felt, hurts that need to be healed and not disguised. Making me happy doesn't take away all the problems.






I just don't want to be happy anymore! I just want to sleep. I just want to sleep.

Why doesn't anyone think "she must have been hurt very badly"? why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why can't anyone anyone anyone see that i feel terrible, that terrible things have happened that no one even seems to acknowledge? IF YOU DON'T TALK ABOUT THINGS THEY DON'T GO AWAY, PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh gosh I feel like my sanity is just falling around my feet, i really need someone to talk to right now.

i'm humbling myself, getting down on my knees, praying for salvation but how long, how long? there's only one way i can go right now and that is down, because i don't have a hand to hold me for a moment.

Don't you all see you're too busy? Are you too busy to help a drowning soul? I just want a friend, an understanding friend who can SEE and HEAR and TRUST that the deepest of deep pain i am feeling is real???? doesn't anyone know that this is real?!?!?

Comments
on Nov 17, 2004
hey honey everybody loves you everybody cares about you and everybodythinks ur special ,its your life so live it like the princess that you truly are ,always remember in the high drama called "my life" ur the lead actor..god bless
on Nov 17, 2004
hey honey everybody loves you everybody cares about you and everybodythinks ur special ,its your life so live it like the princess that you truly are ,always remember in the high drama called "my life" ur the lead actor..god bless
also try talking about ur problems to pple close to you
on Nov 17, 2004
Hey,

The worst thing about being in the hole that you're in is that you push the very people away that could probably help. Blog, blog and blog some more about what's going on. It helps to calm the rabble that's in your head and releases some, if only a drop, of the pain in your heart. I could say all the platitudes in the world to try to make you feel better, but you and I both know that they'll end up sounding as false and hollow as they truly are.

I'm here to listen. If it will make any difference, a faceless stranger on (probably) the other side of the globe is happy to be here for you. If I can make even the slightest bit of difference I'm happy to listen.

Be kind to yourself and take care,

Suz xxx
on Nov 17, 2004
Hello there,



I just wanted to let you know that I read your blog entry, I'm here listening, a listening ear, not turning you away, not to busy to help you...sometimes it is nice just to know someone is listening. It looks to me like there are others here who are listening. I don't know what you are going through...but you are right you need a savior, he can help you...not saying he will take it all away, but will help you carry the heavy load. I'm not even sure what it is you are strugglingwith...but your blog post reminds me soo much of things I struggle with...Still today...if you would like to talk, i would be more than okay with listening to you...or if you'd just like a friend to get to know...I'm here for that too. Please be gentle with yourself okay, you are special, and cared for, even if you may not feel it. my email address is healingwhisper@yahoo.com feel free to email me.
on Nov 19, 2004

i need a savior, someone to carry me out of this place because my wings are broken.

Anne....I told you that I would be here for you when you were ready.

Are you ready?

Whilst I cannot promise to be your saviour, I can carry you until you can walk on your own again.  All you have to do is tell me you're ready.