Not too tired without you. gotta be up in three and a half hours. Should go by pretty quickly, shouldn't it?
I don't know what the hell to do. I've been something like an emotional recluse today, don't know why, everybody noticed it but it just made me want to cry. Why all this crazy almost crying shit? Perhaps because I feel I am alone, especially, right now.
It's so disappointing not being able to reach out to ANYONE. I wish there was someone for me to talk to, but I'm a pretty emotionally closed person. And there isn't anyone to reach out to, either. It'd be like grasping for smoke. The rest of the world doesn't exist to solve my problems, my problems don't mean anything to anyone else! Everyone has their own problems, I definitely dont have room for anyone else's problems in my life.
I just wish that didn't mean I also don't have room for any love in my life. it'll happen when I'm not looking for it. Well, if that time comes, I'm going to say "fuck you" to love and turn my back on it, like it's done to me.
Don't you see how frustrating this is? Don't you see how trapped I am, how unable I am to break free from the chains that have wrapped me, trapped me in this oblivion I am a part of? I am in a place where I don't matter a whole hell of a lot to anyone, if i just disappeared it wouldn't be soooo devastating... But wounds cannot heal when they are continuously torn open again, and it only creates more scar tissue. "Scar tissue that I wish you saw" and it's true because if anyone could see how devasted i am because of the pain i have crawled through, they would know the fears of this heart of mine.
How can anyone be so stupid enough to think that i can just be "healed"? How i can just "move on" from the most devastatingly miserable events in my life? Now would be the time to do it if i really wanted to take my life...
Somehow i just can't, not yet, not until the world knows, or at least until a few people know me... I just want to reach out to somebody, to share my experiences with the world, to share a little piece of my pain to lessen it for me. I need a savior, because I'm slipping by myself, always always slipping again. How often must I be in these shoes?
But psychology seems to say forever, with the wonderfully lucky events i've had in my life. i need a savior, someone to carry me out of this place because my wings are broken. Someone to heal me because when left alone i only seem to get worse. I can't do it by myself, i only get worse!!!
I can't do it with zoloft either. i would be using zoloft to repress hurts that need to be felt, hurts that need to be healed and not disguised. Making me happy doesn't take away all the problems.
I just don't want to be happy anymore! I just want to sleep. I just want to sleep.
Why doesn't anyone think "she must have been hurt very badly"? why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why can't anyone anyone anyone see that i feel terrible, that terrible things have happened that no one even seems to acknowledge? IF YOU DON'T TALK ABOUT THINGS THEY DON'T GO AWAY, PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh gosh I feel like my sanity is just falling around my feet, i really need someone to talk to right now.
i'm humbling myself, getting down on my knees, praying for salvation but how long, how long? there's only one way i can go right now and that is down, because i don't have a hand to hold me for a moment.
Don't you all see you're too busy? Are you too busy to help a drowning soul? I just want a friend, an understanding friend who can SEE and HEAR and TRUST that the deepest of deep pain i am feeling is real???? doesn't anyone know that this is real?!?!?