I Threw It All Away

Published on September 19, 2004 By Tangled Wishes In Blogging

I remembered today things from when I was younger. Basically, how it came about is that I'm reading a book that is making me think of my thoughts and ideals, and how it's changed throughout the years. Like, what I was like during my formative years and how I really ended up forming. Whether the kid I was would want to become the me that I am, would accept it if not, or would be furious.

On first thought, I am pretty sure the kid I was in middle school would NOT be wearing a PINK something corporate shirt, or light light light blue jeans (almost near to white) a glitzy silvery watch and a silver ring. No earrings? What!! And no bracelets, necklaces, painted fingernails. And WHEN did you stop biting your nails? Your hair, that's okay, but why aren't you dying it?? You look like a fucking cake-eater!

That's what she would begin to say. I know she would say that, and much, much more because the little girl I was was VERY opinionated!!!

So I'm trying to get into a lot of the things I liked and did when I was that age. Like, what were my influences? What did I think was cool? What kind of person did I want to be? What did I watch on TV, what music did I listen to, etc etc etc!! That's what I want to know. I wish I could remember it instantly.

I do remember some things instantly. For instance, my best friend Shannon. We had the wackiest moments together, throughout grade school, middle school and high school. We were the perfect pair, the Dangerous Duo.
I also remember Nine Inch Nails and Marilyn Manson as being the most-listened to of my CDs at that time. I really really liked that stuff.
I wore dark clothes. I was such a depressed in all senses kind of kid!!! Oh man, was I miserable, and could everyone tell! Man, I did that whole rebellious kid thing, dyed my hair black, fire engine red, purple, I wore baggy black jeans and band tees...
I always had like fifteen pieces of jewelry on, and black fingernail polish (or something ridiculously garish, besides RED OR PINKS, and I just loved blue). My favorite color was blue, or maybe red and black depending on the times. I even went through this period where I seriously studied Wicca, just to see if maybe it was the right religion for me. It was very interesting, needless to say. I also went through a period of time---somewhere around a week to two weeks---where I refused to light my room with artificial light, only candles. Isn't that hard-core??
My walls were covered with posters of Trent Reznor, my idol, Nirvana, Marilyn Manson, cut-outs from Hit Parader, pictures of my OTHER idol Shirley Manson... I thought she was the most beautiful thing ever. I knew everything about M. Trent Reznor. I had photos also of cute "Goth" or skater boys that I liked. I had magazine advertisements for different brands of skateboards and and snowboards, and I knew which kinds I wanted and I knew which kinds were good. I bought snowboarder and skateboarder magazines. I snowboarded and I tried (lol) skateboarding, so hard with Shanny but we were hopeless! We just got hurt, or fell down stairs or something. Wow, there's ANOTHER memory totally tied to Shannon!
We were also in a band called, Skrewed, Halo, all sorts of things. We really did sit around with guitars and think of songs we liked and I wrote all sorts of lyrics but nothing ever came of it... Nothing ever does when you're a kid.
Oh God I'm remembering some of the sweet-ass clothes that I had! I had the coolest shirts ever. I seriously wore some sweet-ass indie skater clothes as a kid. I mean, I picked out button up short sleeve shirts from my grandma's basement. Mostly "fancy stuff" from the seventies and sixties, with funny brown or green print, or solid colors such as green...

I used to always wear this green button up shirt over another shirt, sometimes not, and I would wear the white shoes my mother wore in her wedding and listening to my favorite bands thinking I was so cool.
I felt so cool but I felt so depressed.

It's weird to think how much I've changed. I feel like I almost conformed, molded into "Miss Teen EveryGirl." And I really did... Slowly. I mean, it started with girly shapes but dark colors, then it went to sexy-girly shapes because at THAT time I was at my best (smallest) but fullest size. Then I went to less sexy, but girlie shaped and lighter colored but still indivual style, and then I went to straight girly with girly colors and girly everything. I totally misrepresent myself. I used to look like a wild partying teenage girl, and then I started looking more mature and tied down and "nicer" while I was dating B$# because I always wanted to look my best, and I always wanted to look... I don't know, efficient, able to take care of myself, and impressing. OH MAN! Now when I think of some of the stuff I used to wear I WAS SOOO skinny!!! I was actually like the perfect weight. I mean, not that I didn't lose all my kid weight from a severe eating disorder and even more severe depression... And then I maintained and was stable for a long ass time and then I got fat again and now I'm suffering from RIDICULOUSLY severe eating disorder yet again... And I'm starting to slip into that terrible, frustrating, obsessive self-hating and self-torturing depression.... It might be the right combination to push me right to the edge.

Shannon once fairly recently commented on my "eating disorder/size" issue of the past. I was smaller than her, obviously because I was obsessive about not eating and about exercising... She said, "I remember you and your fucked up dieting and exercising. Man, I never could understand how you could do so many sit ups all the time."

But I guess none of you were looking in on that situation and don't even know how much of an understatement that is.

It rests in me.

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