I had a terrible first day and a half of the weekend. My sister's addicted to meth. She looks like a skeleton. She stopped going to work. She is dating a guy in the Jersey City Mafia. She has a baby whom she is now unable to see... I went to her house last night, because her work called my parents to see if they knew if she was alive or not, since she hadn't been in for a week. When I got there she was fucked up on meth but was obviously unhappy. She kept saying that I should never do drugs, and...

I used to be very spiritual. I used to be very religious. I went to church faithfully every Sunday, because I liked to. I loved singing in the youth choir. It was about the best thing ever on Sundays, and we sounded good, and I got to sing solos. (Solos worked wonders for my self esteem.) I used to pray every night, not for people, or for myself, but just to talk to God. I used to read the bible every night before I went to sleep, Psalms, usually. I used to believe in God, and believe that He wa...

I feel that I am a strange person with many a strange quirks. I continue to surprise myself in my capacity to care about people even when I don't want to, and probably shouldn't. It's emotionally draining, and I tend to get carried away. The one thing that has surprised me the most about my capacity to care happened about two years ago. I went with a church group to Minneapolis, and we did a bunch of things there. The first night we worked at a "soup kitchen", and I spent about three hours wa...

Im drunk. It's a good birthday. Theres some stweet boys i know How did i know they were sweet? i dunno. But they are. and i'm sad that they are and that i am so disappointng because, well, i am. But all the same, i feel great. I mean, i actually had a good birthsday. When i didn't lose any money, or worry about a boyfriend who didn';t really like me, pr anytthing, I Just worry about being able to put on some pjs for bd. Oh to hell with the PJs who need them antyway? Please forgive my horr...

Sometimes I think that, whenever I talk, or write, someone completely misunderstands EVERY THING I am saying. Wait, no, I see that everywhere I look on here!! It's like, everywhere I turn, I see someone making a list on the reasons why people are homeless, and how they could have prevented it (mainly, drinking and doing drugs stuck out in my mind), or calling God gay and Christians stupid, or trying to force their childish opinions down someone else's throat. Or they scream out unintelligent,...

Ok I better explain myself quick. I don't hate happy people. Au contraire!! I suppose I like them rather well... I just don't like couples. Wait, that isn't so much true, either. There's this one couple... This guy and this girl. And I can't stand them. She's a pretty thing, all peppy and happy and nice and funny and just a little bit dumb, but in a cute way. He's a jerk. He says stupid, careless, asshole things, and really doesn't deserve his friends. He's big, she's not. She's nice, he'...

I have a confession to make. I am afraid of love. I am afraid of feeling it, trusting it, needing it, enjoying it, and then losing it. Yet, interestingly enough, I am sensing a change in my opinion. I'm wondering things about love. Mostly, though, I'm wondering which will come first... My willingness to give love another try, or the person who makes me change my mind. I'm curious! I want to know. I want to learn. I love learning. Maybe it means I'm ready to try... and yet it seems waste...

Ai... I'm lonely. I don't know why. I just am. I need a hug, and I'm alone and unable to get one. Some people just have hugs that could heal cancer, I think. Well, some people that > know. Like Trevor and Jason. I swear. Their hugs just make me melt. Maybe cause they pick me up and swing me around and all of that stuff. I need one of those hugs right now. The ones that make me dizzy. Yeah! Oh well. Here I am in Morris, quite away from my melty hugs. I'll just have to do with long hot...

Sometimes, it happens to some people, that they tend to care too much about people who might not deserve it. And of course, all parties involved realize it, and it's a sad thing, but forgiveness is always on their lips either way. I wish I was one of those people who could automatically press the block button in their minds, you know, say, "I don't want to care about that person anymore, so I'm going to block them." A simple idea, of course, kind of like turning them off with a TV remote. I w...

Candlebox always said it better than me. Fuck Hallmark, huh. Well I might as well get to the true purpose of this blog. Which is... Well, it's a lot of things. It's an apology and a letter in self defense. I feel like I might be maturing, or perhaps not. Just learning things as I go on. It's a life-long process, or so I hear. First I must apologize to a boy we've heard enough about. Well he'd probably get offended if I use his name, slander and all that. I'm not quite sure how to do ...

I woke up depressed today. I can't remember the last time that happened, no matter what happened the night before. I usually wake up with a smile, or at least a veil of confusion and forget. (Sleep's beautiful, huh?) But not today. So after my shower, I put some depression music on, and while listening to Manson's Man That You Fear, it hit me. Like a tidal wave. I got angry. Furious, really. When I get angry, it's not like I just say, God Damn it! When I'm angry, I'm REALLY angry. Like, deeply, ...

God I wasn't ready for any of this. I can't sleep, I'm physically ill, I feel like I have a fucking fever. I don't want to deal with this. I shouldn't have to. I should be able to sit in my own private fantasy for as long as I want, and that would be forever in my ideal world. Then I can pretend that nothing ever happened, that I'm NOT insanely and unmovably depressed... Well I can't go on in this stupid pretend mode. I gotta do it for Christ sakes and I gotta do it now. Even if I feel like ...

Tonight was probably one of the most painful nights I've had in quite a while. It turns out Megan brought my depression blogs over to my mom, who called me up and more or less screamed at me and made me feel like shit. Like there's something wrong with the fact that I have depression issues, or something. Yeah I am doing fine now. Jesus Christ I don't even know what to say. So I emailed Megan, and damn it was so mature of me, even if she did so to spite me. God I'm so sick of this shit. I was ge...

I suppose there comes a time in everyone's life when they have to ask themselves that life-or-death important question: Who am I? To be completely honest with myself, and everyone else, I have no idea anymore. I don't even know how to define myself anymore. I'm so lost... I need my identity. But what is my identity? I wish I could answer that question. I wish I could wake up one morning and just know, who it is I am, what I like, what I want to do with myself, and all of that. I ...

Ok, someone replied to my "Many Reasons Why I'm Attractive" article, and called me a liar, and said half the things on my list are in my head. And then said I don't burp in front of guys. So I'm issuing a pissed-off reply. Damn it! I'm not a liar! 1 is true because I had braces for almost 2 years and my teeth are white, damn it. 2 is true well Jesus I like my smile! 3 YES I HAVE BIG SOFT LIPS! Sorry if I like them and I know I'm not the only one who does! 4 ok yes my eyes are dark, the...