Who Am I?

Published on January 26, 2004 By Tangled Wishes In Blogging

I suppose there comes a time in everyone's life when they have to ask themselves that life-or-death important question: Who am I?

To be completely honest with myself, and everyone else, I have no idea anymore. I don't even know how to define myself anymore. I'm so lost... I need my identity.

But what is my identity?

I wish I could answer that question. I wish I could wake up one morning and just know, who it is I am, what I like, what I want to do with myself, and all of that.

I hate getting into this kind of mood. It happens whenever someone doubts me. Whenever someone says something like, "stop trying to be something you're not."

Those kind of statements really bother me. It makes me really mad to think that people think I'm pretending to be something I'm not, when I don't even really know who I am in the first place. It would be too hard to pretend. I guess the one thing I've ever pretended to be was happy... And I haven't had to worry about that too much, lately, since I've been happy.

My main question is, what does it mean when you tell someone to stop pretending to be something you're not? I've never said I'm anything I'm not. I guess if I were to come on here and really pretend, I would probably pretend to be 5'11, 135 pounds with double D breasts. And I would live in Naples Florida, and I would be a successful journalist, or something.

I wouldn't be what I'm writing now.

God!!!! I hate doubting myself! It's ridiculous. I guess I just want people to like me for who I am, or at least get to know me before disliking me, and if they do dislike me, then have a reasonable reason, something I can deal with, like the fact that I'm Native American, or something.

Well, I don't know if I could deal with that, either. I don't know a hell of a lot of anything, except that I DON'T want to be here right now, I DON'T want to be who I am, but I have no choice! I didn't choose this lot in life. If I had my choice, I'd be anywhere but here. But there it is, I'm still here. I'm still Indian Anne, that same girl I used to be ages ago who would have died to change herself... I would give anything to take back the things that happened in the past, I would fucking give my LIFE, my existence, to change it all. I could write a multitude of bloggers full of things I would change. The important thing here is, I can't change it, and believe me you don't have to remind me of that, because I know it. Every damn day I know it. There isn't a moment where I feel the cold, harsh pain of knowing it's in the past, forever, no matter what.

And no matter how aloofly I refer to it, it still affects me so deeply, in every way shape and form... It all made me who I am, and it's great if some people can get through it, go on with their every day life without remembering, knowing... But I can't. And I don't know if I ever want to, anyway.

Comments

BigDreamer415

on Feb 01, 2004

all i have to say is i'm following a lot of your posts, and i agree with some things you've said and not with others.... but what i've found most is that your writing is inspiring and completely and thouroughly reminds me of myself. you're very sure of yourself, sure of who you are most of the time, very opinionated, usually self-confident, feel bi-polar sometimes (lol, i do) am i right?

Sherye Hanson

on Feb 02, 2004

It takes years to really know who you are usually. There are those people who know exactly what they want and go for it. But most of us have to figure it out along the way. Sometimes our biggest liabilities become our greatest strengths, because through them we become approachable. The only way that you are going to figure out who you are is by trying different things out and seeing if they fit. It's just like going to a foreign country where the sizes are different and trying on all the clothes until you figure out what fits. As for change, the things that need to be changed are our character flaws, our insecurities, and our fears. Our basic personality, figure, face, etc. That is us. Unless you have a major deformity, you are probably average good looking. You can wear make up, fix your hair, and wear different types of clothes, but you will still be you. And you are both unique and similar to everyone else.

The way you discover what you can do well is usually by starting with what you like to do. Then you work at it and refine it. Some are only good at a few things and it is easy for them to discover a career. Others are good at many things and may end up doing many things. As for who you are--you are a human being with a psyche, a body and a spirit. When you find connection with the Creator and with humanity, then you feel at peace. You are no longer alone in your own place.
You cannot change the past, nor can you take much responsibility for your childhood. You can change how you feel about it and who you are. Take the attitude of being on a journey and enjoy your life. Then if bad things happen, you can realize that I will walk past this, and on to something else.

Sherye Hanson

on Feb 02, 2004

P.S. You have got to be intelligent and sensitive to even ask these questions. Most people don't.

imajinit

on Feb 02, 2004

Po Bronson wrote a book called "What should I do with my life?"...

it's a great read. I actually listened to it on audio, but either way, it's great... very inspirational.

he takes a look at some of the very questions you're asking.

my only personal comment, (and this is kinda the same thing he talks about in part of the book) is this, find something that you're passionate about. That's the single best thing you can do for yourself, but here's the funny thing. It's also the single best thing that you can do for the rest of us. Imagine a world where 70 or 80% of people were doing jobs that they were passionate about, instead of just drudging their way through another day in a job they hate.

I can't possibly emphasize enough to everyone how important it is to read read read and read some more. Whatever your interests, read all you can about 'em... If ya hang out on this site much, then chances are you read a lot anyway, but sometimes people can turn you onto a book that you otherwise wouldn't have found. Lots of bloggers suggest favorite books...

My list of favorites goes something like this:
The Road Less Traveled, by Scott Peck
Further Along the Road Less Traveled, (same)
The Road Less Traveled and Beyond, (same)
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, by Robert Pirsig... (this one's a tough read, but worth it)
The Dilbert Future, by Scott Adams

Mike Burris made a really good point on another post about suggested readings... just because these books have helped me, that doesn't mean that they will help anyone else. I suggest them based on the fact that they've helped so many people for so many years... The Road Less Traveled spent over 10 years on the New York Times best seller list if memory serves...

The answers to your questions lie in reading a dozen books that are written by people who have asked and attempted to answer the same ones. Then you put it all together, throw in your personal experiences and come up with your own answer...

Tangled Wishes

on Feb 02, 2004

Thanks a lot for replying. I always like listening to others' opinions, and I really like to read. Luckily, I have found something I'm passionate about... writing. Obviously, that's what everyone is going to say, but I mean it. I want to be a writer. That's what I want to do with my life.

imajinit

on Feb 02, 2004

well then do it... keep writing everyday, and you'll keep getting better... and keep reading as often as you can too... my creative writing teacher told us in High School... if you want to be a serious writer, you're going to have to be a serious reader... no ifs ands or buts about it...

BigDreamer415

on Feb 03, 2004

i think your work is very intriguing and descriptive. it almost comes with ease. it's always easier to paint real picture, i know how it goes, like with your charmed story, that's amazing, and you can almost tell when it's so real for a person because it's so vivid and you can almost feel the emotion oozing out. keep up the good work!

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