I feel that I am a strange person with many a strange quirks. I continue to surprise myself in my capacity to care about people even when I don't want to, and probably shouldn't. It's emotionally draining, and I tend to get carried away.
The one thing that has surprised me the most about my capacity to care happened about two years ago. I went with a church group to Minneapolis, and we did a bunch of things there. The first night we worked at a "soup kitchen", and I spent about three hours washing dishes. It was really fun, and the food was really good. After that, we went to a boarding house for recovering alcoholic Native American women. One of the women there had a small baby with her, and he was the most endearing thing I'd ever seen. We then proceeded to clean out the play room in the house, and cleaned all the toys and it was all really cool. The next day we went to a homeless shelter, and cleaned it, and then we went to a church program with developmentally disabled people. It was like a Sunday school sort of thing, and I got to be partners with a middle-aged African American woman named Grace, who was really very sweet when she opened up. We attended church there on Sunday, and it was the most amazing thing ever. It still brings tears to my eyes... The people were so amazingly caring and wonderful. They were so kind and friendly, and I have never felt more comfortable in all of my life. They knew all about us, and gave us a standing ovation for our work, and it was the most wonderful thing ever, you just couldn't help but be affected. I have never felt so focused and needed in all of my life.
But that's not the point of my story! On Saturday, when we were sitting around the living room, talking about a passage from the bible (Psalm 138, my favorite), I got a thought in my mind. It was a particularily strange thought for one to just get in ones head, and it affected me VERY deeply. I waited until the group broke up, and I pulled aside my church's youth leader, Mary Rose, to tell her my thought. Before I could say a word, though, I began crying hysterically, because the thought I had was so beautiful and amazing and so unlike myself. (I've never told anyone besides Mary Rose.)
I was struck with the idea, for some strange, unexplainable, but equally amazing reason, that when developmentally people die, they become angels, because of the physical etc disabilities they suffer from on earth. In one instant, I knew it was true. God rewards them with wings, because they did not get them on earth. This seemed to be the happiest thought I had ever (and still have ever) had, and it touched me so deeply that I broke down. I probably cried for a good fifteen minutes, and Mary Rose's eyes too filled with tears. She told me I was the most amazing and compassionate person she'd ever encountered.
In a strange way, of course.
But really... It's not a strange thought to me. It seems so insanely beautiful and wonderful, that it must be true.
.... I just found God again. Seriously. Writing this blog just helped me find my way back....