God I wasn't ready for any of this. I can't sleep, I'm physically ill, I feel like I have a fucking fever. I don't want to deal with this. I shouldn't have to. I should be able to sit in my own private fantasy for as long as I want, and that would be forever in my ideal world. Then I can pretend that nothing ever happened, that I'm NOT insanely and unmovably depressed... Well I can't go on in this stupid pretend mode. I gotta do it for Christ sakes and I gotta do it now.

Even if I feel like I can't do it by myself... I really have to. I have no choice. There's no way that any one can do anything to help... Because there's nothing they could do. I mean, it's an internal battle, I can't use someone from outside to hose the fire within. Someone from outside wouldn't know, anyway, all these thoughts that go through me every day, all these feelings, all this confusion... That's what it is... A swirling mass of confusion. Well, it's dark confusion, I suppose.

I don't think I can write any more. I'm crying. I don't like the things I say when I'm crying.

~Anne