Healing, and Going Home

Back To My Father

Published on February 5, 2004 By Tangled Wishes In Blogging

I used to be very spiritual. I used to be very religious. I went to church faithfully every Sunday, because I liked to. I loved singing in the youth choir. It was about the best thing ever on Sundays, and we sounded good, and I got to sing solos. (Solos worked wonders for my self esteem.) I used to pray every night, not for people, or for myself, but just to talk to God. I used to read the bible every night before I went to sleep, Psalms, usually. I used to believe in God, and believe that He was good, and that I could trust Him because he would help me to do great things. Great things like volunteer at food shelves, and give money to charity, and try to help everyone in every way I could. I wanted to be good.

Then Joe died, and everything changed. I remember sitting in the Lutheran church, looking at the walls, at everything, the banners, all the people sitting, crying, telling these wonderful stories about this AMAZING, wonderful, angelic person. I remember the pain... The worst pain I've ever felt. I can't even put into words the unfairness of it... And how everything changed. In the worst way.

The first thing that happened to change me was that I began to drink. A lot. All the time. This, of course, led to bad things. I was sexually assaulted by three guys at a party (one of whom was my boyfriend), I fell so deeply and madly in love with my best friend Trevor, and learned the hard way that alcohol lies, and I got lines on my face. Drinking lines... They scared me, because it showed the physical changes that can happen to a person when they drink. First wrinkles, then alcohol posioning.

But that wasn't all. I lost God. Rather, I hated Him. I hated Him so strongly that I could not possibly enter a church. When I was forced to for my nephew's baptism (I was his godmother), it took ALL of my effort (fingernails dug into my palms), to not run out screaming, to not burst into tears, to not completely explode. I could not read the bible, I could not pray, I could not sing his praises on high. Oh, how I hated Him! How could He take away such an amazing person? What possible reasons could He have for doing something so terrible to SO MANY people? There were at least 200 people at Joe's funeral. He was 19!! He died a few weeks before his birthday.

And it wasn't just because of how his death affected me that made me so angry. I didn't cry at his funeral because I was hurting. It was everyone else.

How could someone who WAS love do such a terrible thing to so many people? Joe's dad had committed suicide in 1999. His mom lost her ex-husband and her son in 4 years. Her only son, mind you. Bud lost his very best friend. (Oh God the look on Bud's face, it killed me, and it still does.) Bryan, Bud, Stone, John and Jim lost their roommate and dear friend. Eric. I think it was Eric that made me the most mad at God... He tried to save Joe. HE TRIED TO SAVE HIM. When Joe got caught in the current, Eric grabbed a hold of him, not once, but twice. He LOST HIS GRIP AND HIS BEST FRIEND DIED. The guilt that would go along with something like that will never leave a person. How could God let that happen?? How could He take away one person who cared so much, loved so deeply and innocently?

And there was no good reason. There still isn't...

I know that finding my way back to God is probably one of the most important things in overcoming my depression. I need to forgive Him. I need to be able to love again, and trust again, and I know it will start with God. I'm just unable to wake up one day and decide that it will be the day that I return to him. I want to more than anything in the world, but I am still angry. Angry for Bud, and Eric, and Dustin, and Max, and Joe's family. Joe made this world a better place. He was a friend that can not be replaced, as easily as any other can be.

But I need to go back to God in order to get better. It's the one thing I feel I must do. And it's hard... But I took a step in my heart today (and yesterday, by actually going to see a counselor) to get closer to God and healing. I want to believe I can get better. I want to believe that God will restore my trust. I want to believe he still has great things in store for me. It's hard... And I'm not quite ready yet, but today I'm one step closer. I haven't taken a step in a while. In fact, I don't think I've taken a step before. Today was my first. I'm not there yet, but I'm closer. And I'm willing to keep walking, very slowly.

Comments

allison

on Feb 05, 2004

hey,
i'm 15 years old and some how your blog came up in my search for a s.s project. i just wanted to tell you that i know how it feels. my little brother at age 9 died. and just like you, hated God for it. i shouldnt go into it all, but let me tell you. turning back to God, is the best thing i could have done. no one ever knew what to say or how to act once i brought up my brother. no one knew how to give the love and guidence i needed.... that is except God. Everything happens for a reason. and even if you dont see that right away, God knows. He give you a place to go, when you dont know where to go when you think abt it all. i will pray for you.
Psalm 43:1-3
[1] Vindicate me, O God,
and plead my cause against an ungodly nation;
rescue me from deceitful and wicked men.
2 You are God my stronghold.
Why have you rejected me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?
3 Send forth your light and your truth,
let them guide me;
let them bring me to your holy mountain,
to the place where you dwell

Tangled Wishes

on Feb 05, 2004

That was a wonderful quote.. That's not the word I want, but I can't think of the one. But yeah. Thank you...
~Anne

Sherye Hanson

on Feb 06, 2004

I know about being angry at God. My reasons are different, but I finally forgave him and let go. The funny thing is that God was never angry at me. I believe that bad things happen, because there is something wrong with this world, not with God. God made the world but he gave us the freedom to choose him or evil and we chose evil. So now we live as broken people in a broken world. But God sent his Son to bring us a way out of brokenness, separation and evil. Now we can have free access to God. He will someday explain why things are the way they are, but for now I know that God is good. If something is bad, He didn't do it. He is all powerful, but he has limited his domain.

The way you return to God is to surrender. Give him all your anger, pain and depression. Then find a friend who will take you to A.A. meetings and when you are comfortable there, then you can return to church and forgive God there. The Jews celebrate kaddish for the dead. It is a way of forgiving God for taking their loved one. The Psalms are full of people who were angry at God. He doesn't mind our anger--if it is directed at him. It is when we direct our anger at others and ourselve that we get into trouble.

I wrote a book of poetry on the psalms. They were God's way of telling me how much he loves. Although they are published, now. They were God's gift of healing for me. There aren't any excepts at Amazon, or Barnesand Nobel, But I will give a sample poem.

Psalm 62 Heart Transplant
For the music director. A Psalm of Sherye
For Bill and Scott
There’s only one place where I can rest,
The presence of the Lord.
He saved me, healed me and set me free.
All of my serenity comes from Him.
I hide in His arms.

How long will this time of trouble be?
When will there be peace for my family.
Wave after wave of hard things come.
The enemy only wants us to fail.
Our friends think we’re foolish.
Strangers think that we’re wrong.
Only in You can we stay strong.

I am tired, I need to rest.
Only in God will I find peace.
You will save all the others who live in my house.
You will heal them and set them free.
All of us can pour out our hearts to You.
We can complain of all our problems
And You always listen.
Your door is always open.
Your office hours are 24/7.

The poor die in a minute
And the rich live a lie.
If all that we did was written down,
It would amount to nothing.
Do not trust in fraud,
Or brag about the things you stole,
Though you may have nice things,
Don’t depend on them.

God’s invisible justice is working,
He will reward us all
According to what we have done.
You are just and merciful.
We just need to ask.
You forgive and wipe out our sins
And give us a heart transplant.
Our lying, cheating, thieving heart
You replace with a clean one
Full of love for You.

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