I woke up depressed today. I can't remember the last time that happened, no matter what happened the night before. I usually wake up with a smile, or at least a veil of confusion and forget. (Sleep's beautiful, huh?) But not today. So after my shower, I put some depression music on, and while listening to Manson's Man That You Fear, it hit me. Like a tidal wave. I got angry. Furious, really. When I get angry, it's not like I just say, God Damn it! When I'm angry, I'm REALLY angry. Like, deeply, darkly, irreversably angry. It's not a small breeze. It's a freight train.

Don't mistake the anger though. I like it when I'm angry. It's not just mad, it's an entire way of being. My entire BODY becomes so focused on this feeling, it's like every move, every thought, every blink of my eye is focused on my fury. I am so full of passion and purpose, it's like I am a completely different person.

And I am angry. I'm angry about everything has happened the last few days. Rather, the last few years. Wait, I should change that to several years. 10, almost 11, years is several, when you're 18 going on 19. And this wave of anger just about knocked me over. It knocked over a lot of thoughts I had previously had. This freight train of rage is the best thing that could happen to me.

So what exactly am I angry about? A lot. But that's not what the point is here. The point is, how could being angry actually HELP me? Keep reading.

I am sick of being the victim. I'm furious that I've been victimized so damn many times. Victims are viewed as weak, almost pathetic things that require pity and help. I don't want pity, I don't want help. I'm tired of hurting, tired of being in pain, tired of being brought down by circumstances. I don't want to be tired anymore. I don't want to be sick anymore.

I don't want to have to go to sleep crying. I don't want to wake up, thinking ah life is great, until I remember who I am and where I've been. I don't want to have to have an excuse to smile. I don't want feel bad about myself. I don't want to fight against my past. I want to dry my eyes, and never have to cry over the past again. I don't want to be blind to the kind of situations where I could get hurt again. I don't want to have to be afraid to even think about caring about someone again. And I want to know that it's not my fault.

Are you starting to understand now? Understand that I don't want to be here anymore? That I'm angry about my situation, that I'm full of passion and purpose, and where that passion and purpose is going to take me?

I am so low that I can only go up. I am so weak that I can only get stronger. I am so cold that I can only get warmer. From here on out I can only get better.

And that is why I am angry. That is why it's good to be angry. My whole purpose is to rise above. To move forward. I can no longer reverse, and I've been on pause for long enough. I can only play forward.

I will no longer play the victim. I have had enough. I will no longer hurt. I have had enough. I will no longer wake up smiling, only to remember the pain and frown again. I have had enough. I will no longer feel bad about myself. I have had enough. It is not my fault. I have had enough.

There is no more room for pain, therefore no more room for gain. I must lose this pain to continue on in my life.

It will be hard. I will not want to- not want to confess, not want to face the fears, not want to expunge the demons. It would be easier now to stay on this mess of graffiti, rather than to take the time to erase it all. It would be easier now to pretend that nothing is wrong.

But I don't want to ever be here again.

I have had enough, and I will rise above.

I only have time, and as long as the time is going toward my healing, then I will give as much as it takes.

Because I have had enough.