I remembered today things from when I was younger. Basically, how it came about is that I'm reading a book that is making me think of my thoughts and ideals, and how it's changed throughout the years. Like, what I was like during my formative years and how I really ended up forming. Whether the kid I was would want to become the me that I am, would accept it if not, or would be furious. On first thought, I am pretty sure the kid I was in middle school would NOT be wearing a PINK somethin...

Today Dharma (bless her soul) said something to me about whether my "issues" come from an outside source. I mean, all this rebellious talk of not using antidepressants because they merely cover up the real problems. They dull the pain but they don't take care of the reason the pain was there in the first place. It's like having a rotting cavity in one of your teeth, and simply taking aspirin continually instead of going to the dentist and getting it fixed. I don't know if I even believe i...

I'm sinking into the madness. I felt it when I wrote a sentence while talking to my friend. We had a good convo that I should keep for future posting... Here was the sentence : I'm So Lonely And No One Is Around To Talk To Me, And I Just Want A Friend!! says: It almost seems ridiculous for me to even leave my room And there it was. And there I am. I'm talking to a friend now about it, but we'll see where it gets me. At least I know that I'm starting right now, and m...

How frustrating it is that I am completely unable to form physical relationships with guys that I interact with. I mean, the main reason I waste time interacting with guys in the fact that one of them will lead to a relationship, and it never happens. I just get another guy friend, or something weird ends up happening and we're no longer friends for whatever reasons. Oh how frustrating, the feeling of utter self disgust! What reason is there that I can find no connection to someone who kno...

I've been finding lately that my diet consists mainly of tobacco and weed. But I have eighty dollars, groceries, a bag and a pack of cigarettes, and don't have anything else to spend it on. If only I could decide what I want to buy with it, and just BUY IT!!!! I thought about shit for a while, but I just don't know if I can do that by myself. If I just got Oxy or something, because I could... But I want something memorable with this. But white gold just seems not rewarding enoug...

Oh, how bitter and sweet love is! How equally wonderful and disgusting. I'm somewhere in between extreme disgust/hate and euphoric love and endearment. Like a panic attack... How torturous dreaming no longer of someone's kisses, but his eyes and his hands and the way his shoulders felt. Euh. I just don't even know what to do about the pain these days. They're some of the most beautiful and memorable days that I may have ever spent, and may ever. I'll remember these days forever, ...

My eyes say what I can't My lips tell secrets without even opening I don't have to say your name I don't have to say anything My eyes tell it all But you don't know anything None of it, none of the secrets You could know everything And you say you want to know So I tell you But you don't look in my eyes And you can't listen With your ears closed You can't see with your eyes shut My open, screaming eyes Telling you everything I can never say And you could know if you want...

So I'm really quite drunk right now. I just walked into my room and listended to a new messsage on my answering machine that was totally bizarre, but I dont feel connected to it in the least bit. The person who sent the message was some random guy. I mean, I heard his voice and everything but I'm willing to bet that i've never heard that voice before. Besides, I would have to say probably... three people out of everyone in the world (not affiliated to the U of MN) know my number, and thats...

MY NAME IS AANNNNNNNEEEE!!!!!! Okay. that was me copying a Jay-Z song. So here I am a year almost after starting here, writing after a long nice hiatus! Still drinkin, still havin issues, still smokin pot but damn does it feel good!! So either Love Me Or Leave Me Alone! ~Tweekz

I just pulled an all nighter with a almost complete stranger. I've met him once before, for about two minutes, and that's all. Do you have any idea how hard it is to pull an all nighter with someone you're unfamiliar with? That's just something you don't do, you know? How can you handle being with someone for almost TWELVE STRAIGHT HOURS! when you don't know anything about them? What about the awkward silences? Running out of things to talk about? No sexual anything! Well I'll tell you one...

I had to smoke weed. I feel bad, I was planning on saving it. I took some "uppers" today but since my stomach is basically empty (except for some coffee and cookies at 9:30) and it is now 2:37. It's amazing that I'm here in Morris for little more than two weeks and I've already forgotten how to control my stomach. But I reinforced my control again. But then my stomach started hurting because of the pills and the lack of anything in the stomach and it occurred to me that I would have t...

I have these days of incredible strength, where I don't think about him, don't consider why I'm dreaming about him, even forget he's alive. Then there are the other days when the memory of him is heavier than a stone. It's a big ball of lead deposited in my heart, and I can feel it dragging down in my chest. Something like asthma. On my deathbed I will pray To the gods and the angels Like a pagan to anyone Who will take me to heaven To a place I recall I was there so long ago ...

Sounds like a negative title but it's not. Anyways, it's good to laugh at yourself, isn't it? I'm supposed to be walking to Dairy Queen right now with Rachel (actually, by this time we'd probably already be back here) but she is about 45 minutes late after I called her. So here I am blogging. I have obviously not had any time to blog lately. That's because A) I'm at home and dont have 24 hr internet access and my dad is fucking ridiculously addicted to the internet and is on it fro...

I think I drink too much. Sometimes I tell myself, Jesus you're an alcoholic. Then, I defend myself: I'm not an alcoholic, I just drink too much. I don't even waste time saying "I drink a little bit" or anything like that. And I don't even know if I NEED it, I mean, I KNOW I don't but I don't know if I'm addicted, I just can't stop. I have no control over myself. Even last night, I didn't even want to go out. I don't know why I did... I shouldn't have. I didn't party, we just drank. And I ...