I'm Running Away

Sort Of.

Published on April 25, 2004 By Tangled Wishes In Blogging

It hit me like a freight train today.

I'm moving home in less than a week. School will be over. My friends and I will be scattered about the midwest.

I'm moving home on Friday, and will be stuck there for the rest of the summer. I'll have to work all the time. I'm moving home.

Holy fuck.

I don't want to go home. I don't want to be there. I don't want to live with my parents. I don't want to have to answer to someone. I don't want to do any of that. And I really don't want to be in Moose Lake. I mean that in the worst way. I really don't want to go home.

It's not that I don't like my parents!! I love my parents. They're great, they just make me as depressed as FUCK because my sister is so messed up, it's like I'm pressured so hard to not mess up like her, to do perfectly, to do well, even. To never screw up, to not drink, to not do anything wrong. Come home early, stay home all the time, spend time with them, be perfect. It's like I'm up on this pedestal and I don't want to be there.

And that's where my old life is. My old friends, my family, my old teachers, coworkers, enemies. A whole world full of people who want me to be the person I was when I left home little less than a year ago. Will they allow me to change, and will they accept the changes I've already made?

It doesn't matter what the answer is. They could, they couldn't, but I still couldn't stay. I cannot stay there. It's not about staying in Morris, either. I don't want to stay here. No one will be here.

I guess what I really mean is that it's not so much the people I need to be away from. I don't know if it's anything at all, to be completely and honest. Well, it's got to be something, right?

Or is it me?

It must be. I'm growing so much inside that the shell I'm living in has ceased to fit. I've grown out of it, and I need to find a new home, a new life to grow and live and love in. I'm not a child anymore, and my home will expect me to be. I won't stay home all summer, driving occasionally to Duluth to buy new clothes and new music, and eat great food. I won't stay home all summer watching all the mediocre summer movies, or the classics. It doesn't matter how many times I could watch the Exorcist at home, it's not enough for me to stay. I simply cannot stay.

I've got to look for America. I've got to find myself in the big world out there. Morris has been too small... all I've found here are more pieces of my broken heart, heartache, and a need to grow even more. Now that I've experienced a little of the world that's out there, it only makes me hungry for more. I need to experience my life, and I simply cannot do that in Moose Lake.

I love all my friends and family dearly, and I don't want them to think that I cannot stay because of them, but I also don't want them to think that I've got to stay for them.

I've got to leave for me, and maybe even for them.

All of my dreams lie ahead of me, and Moose Lake is behind me. It is not my future, it is my past.

So where am I going to go, and how am I going to do it?

I'm going to have to write a new blog on that, this one is getting too long and I hate long blogs because they're too much to read all at once.

To Be Continued (within a few minutes)

~Anne

Comments

Dan Kaschel

on Apr 26, 2004

I'd be happy to sleep on the couch if you want my room.

I don't really know what to say, I don't have any words of wisdom or anything, I just wanted to say I'm reading, and I care.

~Buddha

Tangled Wishes

on Apr 26, 2004

Lol that's sweet of you, Dan.

Thanks a bunch.

~Anne

Johnny Masuda

on Apr 26, 2004

Holy fuck-shitdog...is right. I remember it well. After my first year, home became a nice place to visit, but I needed to live somewhere else. Good luck. Oh, the thing for older men. Hit on the guy...I promise, it'll make his day.

on Apr 26, 2004

You are am adult. If you want to move out, it's up to you.

syrrusengr

on Apr 26, 2004

I think we've all been there a time or two. When I had first moved it had only been to an apartment about 15 minutes away. It was amazingly liberating. I was the master of my own destiny. If the dishes were not done...well that's my fault. The living room was mine. The kitchen was mine - all was mine. And I could come and go as I pleased. If at 4 in the morning I decided I wanted to take a three hour drive upstate (and we actually did - my roommate and I) I could.

When my roommate and I had a falling out it was very difficult. There was no one else I trusted to live with - after all, I own probably $4000 or so of electronic peripherals, computing equipment, and furniture. Concidering that all of that was aquired slowly over time and with alot of work going into it, I'm very cautious about who else is going to have the key to my place and henceforth my belongings. The only prospect that was available was - home. Ouch - what a major step backwards that would be. No more late night romps. No longer the total master of my destiny. I'd be once again under the control and watchful eye of parents. No amount of claiming they would respect my adulthood helped - I knew damn well better than that.

Best of luck in your travels - I hope you can find yourself in a place where you can, uh, find yourself.

--Syrrus

imajinit

on Apr 26, 2004

why go home? why don't you just find a job where you are and stay there? can't you take classes over the summer... ? graduate early?

Solitair

on Apr 26, 2004

Anne,
is this going home for the summer or for good? I assume it's just for the summer and then back to college in the Autumn?

If so then why don't you just go somewhere to work for the summer. We do it all the time in England. Few of my college friends ever lived at home during the summer. They would be working all over the place from the US to the UK to germany and beyond. Summer jobs are a great way to spend the summer. They work you hard but give you that freedom to find who you really are and to experience new places and people.

Paul.

Erk.

on Apr 26, 2004

I don't know if it's because I'm tired or not.... but I honestly had that lump in my throat (that's hard to swallow back down), and a real tear in my eye when I finished reading this blog.

This is because I went through exactly what you are going through right now..... however for me it was a long time ago. (approx. 28-30 years ago)
The solution for me was to follow the urges I was having.

I needed to break free, I needed to see, I needed to just be.

Get it out of your system whilst you are still young, you'll appreciate why when you get to my age.

I found my Australia...... go find your America!

Wreckless.

MadPoet41

on Apr 26, 2004

go find your America!

Anne~I liked how Wreckless put that. I was about to say the same thing. Best of luck to you, huh? I mean, either way? If you DO go home~it won't have to be forever. Just be sure and hang onto your dreams! And I am confident you will find your special place in the world sooner than you think. I'll be thinking good thoughts...

~MadPoet

P.S. I hope you change your mind about the Sylvia Plath blog? I think it could be totally awesome (because it's written by you).

Tangled Wishes

on Apr 26, 2004

Thanks for being supportive, guys.

Quick answers to questions: I'm not going to stay here because A) it sucks here (lol) and that's pretty much my only answer. I'm feeling pretty negative right now, that explains the negative answer. My town is at LEAST two hours away from ANY cities of interest, and that sucks. The only classes they offer over summer here are bullshit generals and I only have two generals left to fill, so that would be a tragic waste of time AND MONEY too.

I can't just go somewhere and *find an apartment* either, because most places have leases and I'm poor as fuck and can't afford to pay an advance, and can't even afford an apartment on my own. In fact it's utterly ridiculous to even suggest that a single person COULD afford an apartment, or for that matter FIND one for three months, esp. without a job!!!

Mad Poet---I haven't written that Sylvia Plath blog yet because I have spent about the last week and a half taking pages and pages of notes, then writing and rewriting and taking more notes on her poem "Daddy" and I am just about out of energy when it comes to writing about Sylvia Plath!! Too much in the past few days!! I love her too, especially the poem "Daddy" but i've just spent too much time focusing on her, and if I were to try to write a blog on her it would end up being just like my paper. Blaugh.

~Anne

Dan Kaschel

on Apr 26, 2004

"Blaugh"

Alternative spelling for "blog"?

~Buddha

dharmagrl

on Apr 26, 2004

Anne...you know I'm in SD, and if it gets really too bad for you before the end of the summer (ie August), drop me a line and we'll see about you coming to hang out here for a bit, k?

Tangled Wishes

on Apr 26, 2004

Lol Dharma I love you. You rock my world.

Thanks so much...

Dan, blaugh is merely an alternative spelling for absolute frustration.

~Anne

Solitair

on Apr 27, 2004

Anne,
students find summer apartments and summer jobs all the time. Your big problem from what you say is lack of cash and possibly aiming to high. A single apartment is not that realistic! You're a student, that means you'll need to be sharing with other students to keep costs down. I suggest you either

a) Figure out how much you could borrow to start off your summer with. Talk to some friends and see if you can get a small group of you to go somewhere together.

Apply for jobs in the big tourism hotels / theme parks where accomodation is usually included.

Just find the will Anne and you'll be able to achieve this.

Paul.

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