I Wanna Get Out Of Here

Published on April 13, 2004 By Tangled Wishes In Blogging

I'm back at school finally.

I don't want to be here. I'm lonely, and my closest friends, the ones I hang out with all the time, are dating, well, each other. It's not bad at all, I just get lonely sometimes. Maybe I'm jealous that I don't have anyone to hang out with anymore. That sucks.

I feel just overall kind of down. I'm gonna take my zoloft in a minute... But that's not it. It's everything else, you know?

I mean, it's boys. It's the situation that's going on with my family. It's trying to go through an entire day without feeling like crying, trying to deal with the grief of death of friends, recently and not so recently. It's feeling all alone in this world.

Not having anyone to talk to when I want to be sad. Not having anyone to talk to when I'm overwhelming with joy and excitement. Not having anyone to share a drink with, to ride with me to the store, to gossip about cute new boys and annoying ex boys. Not having anyone, for anything.

It's not so much that I've changed, but the world has changed around me. Would I still be a wild child if I were in Moose Lake, or maybe at UMD? Maybe not. Maybe I am wrong, maybe I have changed.

I wonder sometimes what happened to the loose, free-spirited girl that I used to be. I know I didn't want to grow up to be all mature and serious all the time like I am now. I know that I can't like, go back, or anything like that... I just want to know why I changed.

I know nobody else can answer these questions. But... if I knew, then maybe I would do it differently next time. I would do it better.

Gahhh!!!! Why am I so... down??? I have a fridge full of alcohol. I'm going home yet again on Thursday (sad-wake/funeral), I'll be back in Morris to drink with my school friends on Saturday night. I've even got a little weed, and I have a gorgeous weed sprout growing in my room. I've got a bunch of other herbs growing too.

I know I can't be too happy if I'm all alone here... Well, I'm gonna have to try to deal with the fact that I've got to spend the weekdays for the next two weeks alone. The weekends should be fine. And I should be more cheery because I'm very likely going to see the Eagles in concert. And that's really cool. I love the Eagles, they rock my world...

But I'm still alone. I've got no one to share my world with.

Oh well.

~Anne

Comments

MadPoet41

on Apr 13, 2004

Anne~you are not alone. Many folks at JU care very much. I mean, your wise and brave words are even being quoted now. I think it's on the thread: TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT? Or else: TOO CLOSE TO HOME? It's one of the excellent articles that Dharma wrote about the war and everything, huh? It's really cool. Powerful. Moving. And it got like around 60-70 comments. WOW! And I actually quoted somebody else who had quoted you on there! So it gets kind of complicated maybe, huh? But your words really do make a difference. Please don't ever lose sight of that fact. And I LOVE The Eagles big time! It's so cool you're gonna get to see them in concert. I especially like that one song: "Take It Easy." But almost all of their tunes are really awesome, huh? Anyways, just wanted to say a quick hello, and let you know I have been thinking good thoughts about you~even told a friend recently that you are one of my fave online poets. And now Dharma is writing some really cool poems too! So it looks like we got ourselves another really talented poet-friend at JU. Please take good care of yourself, and know I will be holding a good thought for you, k?

~MadPoet

Tangled Wishes

on Apr 13, 2004

MadPoet~

You are so amazingly sweet to me. I love the Eagles. My fave song is Take it To the Limit, though my personal "song" (you know, the song that describes you to a T) was for quite a while... Life In The Fast Lane. Anyhow, I love them incredibly.

Hello back to you, thank you for appreciating my poetry...

Thanks for good thoughts. I will return some your way. (PS I'm drunk)

~Anne!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wnx_decoy

on Apr 13, 2004

Way to not have control over how much alcohol you take in! I wish I couldn't control myself. Oh, wait... that sounds stupid doesn't it? Nevermind then. I guess I can't really say good things to people when I'm tired but I'll try one more time... ... ...

... ... ... Alright, I'm ready.

If you need a friend, I can see you have one in my friend MadPoet41, here. And I guess if you are cool enough for his liking than I can't really argue with him, now can I? You know, if you wanna talk about 'boys' I think this would be a good place to do that. (just between you and me these people seem to be waiting for the juicy stuff)

Capt. over and out!

The Negotiator

on Apr 13, 2004

well, I've had a lot on my mind lately, haven't had the right outlet to let it out, so congrats kiddo, I'm dropping anchor here...

I kinda share your pain. Lonely, friends dating or dating eachother. I'm more jealous that they're dating than "not having someone to hang out with". Kinda makes me sad to hear you're on Zoloft, my parents put me on all sorts of shit in grade school cuz I'm delightfully bipolar, and the stuff made me feel like I was turning into a statue. To this day I think back to how that stuff made me feel and wonder how people can think that's normal. If that's what normal feels like I'd rather be crazy or dead. I've kinda taken charge of my bipolar-ness, I'm pretty happy now because of it. I really don't like seeing a lot of pople on medication, kinda concerns me.

As for the opposite sex, once again women prove to be the reason for my existance as well as the bane of it. I've been in this "screwing around" phase since my last girl and I broke up in September. And just like the last "phase" it's feeling pretty damn empty, so i think I'm ready for a relationship again. I dunno what I want, but I do know what I like. And on the bright side, I now have something to add to the "need" list: I need a nymphomaniac. Shit happens when you get used to that kind of attention 3-5 times a day.

Im also not crazy about my family. I love 'em to death, but I'm really not excited about moving back into the house for the summer, especially after being on my own for 2 years. I dunno, just feels like I'm downgrading.

I've got friends, I just don't want to talk to them, I'm just... tired of the same old thing. I've already stopped talking to most of my female friends just because I really don't want to talk to them. I think I've improved quite a bit though. A lot more of my own man, I'm more intense, and I've got my seductive arts down to a mastery (good thing I'm in sales). There's just isn't any girls around.

I'm also not into drinking as much as I used to be, I'm just kinda... tired of it. And I've never been into weed, never liked it, tend to throw it into the same basket as the medication.

I've still got my cooking though. still loooooooooove to cook. It's my therapy. The job's going well too, been with the company a month and they've promoted me twice, so w00t to that. I thought I just needed to get laid, but what I really need is someone who wants to stick around. I really don't even dig the "sex" part of the sex, I just like the seduction - It's a power rush. It's all so overwhelming that it's better than the sex. Oh well. Time to go find someone who likes being swept off their feet 5-6 times a day.

-Ryan

And this isn't some lame pickup, but if you're ever in a funk and need someone to talk to, you can hit me up on AIM, I can use some conversation anyways. My screen name's RougeSeraphim

Solitair

on Apr 14, 2004

Poor you Anne,
being lonely totally sucks. It sounds like you need to increase your circle of friends. You need some new people to spend time with so that you don't feel lonely when your bett mates are off spending time together. The nice thing is that in college this is very ewasy to do. There are always lots of clubs and societies you can join to spend time and get to know new people. Go look and see what is available then choose something that interests you and join it.
While talking to people online and on JU is good it's no substitute for meeting people in the flesh and spending time doing things. Of course you've changed. We all change, especially during our college years. You need to start looking at this as a good thing. Changing is good because it opens new oppertunities to you. You have a new person to discover. yourself. Go and start doing so. Try new things. Find out what now makes you happy. Part of your current depression is probably because what used to make you happy no longer does.

Paul.

Tangled Wishes

on Apr 14, 2004

You know, Ryan, I didn't pick up on the fact that you love to cook before.

I LOOOOOOOOOOVE to cook, too. Seriously, it's AWESOME. It's...relaxing. I'm on Zoloft cause I have to be... I've been on since I was... hmm... fourteen. Almost five years. I'm better on them, though. It may not work for some people. But it's the best thing to happen to me... It makes me want to live. And that's important. Let me tell you right now, I sure as hell am not a zombie on zoloft!

Maybe someday I will be though...

~Anne

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