Tonight I'm not going to drink.
It will be the second night in two weeks.
It's a good idea.
I felt like SHIT this morning when I woke up. Well, that's a lie, I didn't wake up until about 1:15. But I felt like shit. Maybe even beyond just "shit." I mean, I was freaking DEPRESSED. It was scary. Like, masochistic-depressed. That's not good.
But, around two-thirty, something changed and I feel great. Cold, but great. I'm trying to listen to really happy/hyper songs and continue being cheery. It's important for me to be happy!!!
I can understand why I felt so yucky today... Scott has a girlfriend. I mean, that shouldn't be a big deal, and it wouldn't be, if...
How can I say this without sounding utterly ridiculous??
I can't, so I'm just going to say it anyway.
Scott is Jeff. I mean, he isn't Jeff, but he is. (Jeff was an old friend.) Scott looks a bit like Jeff. He sounds a bit like Jeff, and he acts a lot like Jeff. He's been "Jeff" since I first shook hands with him last, what, October? I was instantly attracted to him. I mean, instant connection. It was like sparks flew from our hands. Which is a good feeling, and slightly strange. I always notice these things.
It's taken me a while to get to know him. Months, and I just found out yesterday how his dad died, I just found out yesterday pretty much everything I now know about him. And we have a lot in common, and would make great friends, I imagine... Since we have so much in common, and it's insanely easy to talk to him.
He IS Jeff, only as Scott.
He flirts like Jeff, he's comfortable like Jeff, he thinks like Jeff and he acts like Jeff.
I fell head over heels for Jeff pretty damn quickly. And the more I got to know him the more I fell for him. I loved him so incredibly, because he was this amazing creature, almost inhuman. The most amazing moments I have ever encountered all happened with him. All of them. I can remember every one of them. I've honestly never felt so great with anyone as I did those times with Jeff.
I could feel that way with Scott, too, I'm pretty sure. I don't want to. I don't want to fall in love with someone who doesn't love me back, again. I don't want to have to meet one of the most amazing people in my life again and have to lose him all over again, or just sit back and watch him be happy, in love, and amazing with someone who isn't me, all over again.
I don't want to have to settle for less knowing him.
I don't want to go through that all over again.
Even though I can see great times ahead hanging out with Scott, even though I enjoy laughing with him, talking to him, seeing him, knowing him, and finding out more about him, I can't. I don't want to have to look at him. Every time I look at him I get one look closer, one step closer, to falling in love with him. And I can't do that again.
So I know why I felt terrible earlier. I know I could very well be cutting myself off from what might be one of the greatest friendships I develop with a male, I could be cutting myself off from some of the greatest memories I very well might make in the future.
But I can't have another Jeff. One was enough. One was too much.
Jeez how could I have ever forgotton how much that hurt?