Dear Joe,

It's been a long time, hey old buddy? I'm listening to Metallica. I haven't listened to it more than maybe three times since with you. I'm listening to "The Unforgiven" and fighting tears. I miss you so much. I remember you were wearing your Metallica hat. I remember us listening to Metallica in your old Caddy. You had the hood ornament, too. Because you didn't have the car anymore First off, of course, you hit about five trees in Ben's yard, and then you hit a deer, or wait is it the other way around? All I remember is after you hit the deer your tires were nearly falling off, and you parked your car by the campfire spot. It was there for quite a while.

You used to get so sad, and would listen to Metallica. I remember that clearly. Sometimes I think only Bud and I knew how depressed you really were, because no one else ever said anything about it. Sometimes I think (of course, I know this isn't true, but it comforts me) that Bud and I were among the only people who knew really how you felt deep inside. I miss having you come over to my house and just talk to me for hours. You know, you were the one who changed everything in my life. Thinking about it now, I would not be who I am now if it weren't for you. You introduced me to Bud, and took him over to my house countless times. I lost my virginity to Bud. You were friends with Ben, and were there lots of times when I was too. With Bud, of course, and it changed a lot of things, with Bud there. I felt like Ben was my protector. Bud scared me a lot, and you gave him that nasty letter I had for him. You really cared about what Bud did to me, and it made you really mad. You were my true friend. You cared about me, and I cared about you. You were even there after Ben had disappeared, like he's done so many times. I remember one night at the apartment, when things were crazy and they were treating me like a celebrity (you know the complete truth of this, they were like paparazzi, Amber and Bryan and all them, and I just couldn't get away) and I had to hide in a closet for like an hour getting away from them, with Bud, and I could hear Amber yelling for me, God, that was weird. You remember that? Then I think you felt really bad about me talking to Bud, or God, I don't know what it was, so you locked yourself up in your room and I went up and talked to you. And Bud and Eric and everyone was trying to get into your room, and when they did you wouldn't talk. You did when they left though, and it made me feel really special.

I remember quite vividly the last time I saw you alive. You were asleep on the couch, and I don't know if I even said goodbye properly. Oh God Joe I feel like I'm falling apart and I wish you were here now so I wouldn't have to hold on to people who use me so terribly just to still have a piece of you. I can't handle it. I've let Bud and Ben use me like no one else, because being with them reminded me of being with you. I don't even know where you're buried, but Amber and I have gone looking.

Remember the letter I put in your casket? It was about Trevor, and being afraid to trust him, and missing you. It's still the same now. I still miss you, I'm still afraid to trust Trevor (haha, of course we're not dating, or anything) and Jesus if I told you all the things Bud and Ben have done to me in the past year and six months and three days, you would shoot them both with that damn cap gun. Again, for Bud. He deserved it, too, that son of a bitch, more than we even knew at the time.

I miss you Joe, and I can't wait to see you again. I wrote a story once, about you, and I said you were in heaven smiling down with all the other angels. Everyone always said you were too sweet to be real, just like an angel on earth, and now you're with the kind you belong with. I miss you, I love you, and I think about you often.

Amen~
Anne