I think that surroundings are essential to all important activities in life.
I was looking around outside when I was smoking tonight and everything was visually perfect. They looked just the way they were supposed to at night in the dark in the cold in a little nook between brick buildings. The trees huge and old and the sky a cloudy gray brightened by the street and sidewalk lights. It is only the wind, the trees, the brick, and me. Things so powerful and old, things to be counted on, and me, just a variable. One in countless others who have smoked there in the same light with the same feelings.
Everything is so spectacularly beautiful.
Is that because I'm in love, or glad I'm not in love, or just completely fried out.
I think it's because I'm under so much stress to do, do, do, always do, and I'm trying to find time to enjoy things, and since I don't have time I'm starting to really see things as they are in color in contrast in importance to forming of memories and hopes and plans.
There's so much I hope for in the future, so many things I hope to accomplish, so many things I want to get done. Some alone, some with others, but maybe it won't be all that important if I dont have my princess moment at a wedding, I've already done the pageant, princess-for-a-day thing and I don't need to have two. I guess I also don't have to have kids, but I would like to pass on my achievements and disappointments and journeys and jokes and loves and my deepest darkest secrets to someone... A husband, or girlfriend, or child... Whoever.
But I also want to stop pushing all my hopes and dreams and goals I want to accomplish onto every guy I think could be a potential. I need to be able to take things as they come, to let them happen as they're supposed to, without any pressure for me to get things done with before I leave this earth. And also because I just would like someone to share my life with, I get a little tired of having to share my hopes and dreams with a keyboard and a computer screen.
But where else would they go?