I am progressing.
I am moving through past hurts slowly, but I am still moving, and progressing, and accomplishing.
I have finally gotten some real closure with the BIG issue in my heart and mind, the thing that took up most of my thoughts, the thing that most affected me.
I'm finally able to love again, finally able to date again, finally AVAILABLE, really truly available. I'm finally able to say "enough is enough" and that I won't be there for him again. I won't let myself be hurt just so that one person can be satisfied for one moment. Am I over him? I haven't even given it a thought, so I must be.
And everything else... Well, I don't know what kind of progress I'm making but I sure know I'm not slipping. I've stopped looking at some of the things that have happened to me as events, and more as how they've affected me and how I need to change that (thank you human sexuality class!). I'm getting more of a sense of the effects and less of the causes, and I know that with time and patience effects can be changed, while causes cannot. I'm focusing less on the causes and more on the things I can change.
Of course it's a long, time consuming process and right now in my life I just DO NOT HAVE THAT TIME. It's classes, homework, WORK, and friends. And I'm not willing to give up the friends I have to spend that time on working through stressful, hard issues all at once, so I'm just doing it a little at a time.
I guess I'm looking at things more objectively too. Incidents are incidents and once they've come they've come and once they've gone they've gone. They leave rubble behind, and cleaning it up takes one step at a time.
I'm at a time in my life that I cannot afford to sacrifice any more time to anything else, or I will start leaving any more sleep and when I'm getting five or six hours a night, that's something I'm not willing to reduce any more. But I do know that it's something I have to go alone, and I want to go it alone. I understand that some people are willing to help, and I'm as appreciative of that as I can be, but I've got to go it alone. I've got to. If I don't do it myself, then how will I do it?
Sure, I'm fucked up, and I know it, but I know everybody else is fucked up too. I haven't had sex since I was raped, and that's a hella long time ago. But I understand that too is a process.
The pain is easing inside me, a little every day, and of course there will always be pain, that's a part of life. But I've got my little insights every day...
I still hurt over Matt and Moy, and even Joe, Joe, dear dear Joe. It still hurts every time I think about it, I still cry a lot, but that's death, isn't it? And I think to myself, perhaps this was the best? I mean, who are we to know, but I can't even imagine what Iraq could have done to Matt and Moy, I mean, it could have fucked them up so much and ruined the rest of their lives (AKA Vietnam war). They never really lost their youthful innocence, not in our hearts. And Joe, of course Joe's death was a different kind of tragedy: an accident... something that should have never happened, and yet it did. The past is passed.
I'm just a young woman leaving her past behind her and fearful yet excited for the days to come. Maybe they'll be short, maybe there will be many days, but I'm not going to end it myself. I'm still going to feel the lows, but the highs will come again, and I'm still going to use drugs, but someday that might change too.
The future is wide open, and so am I to receiving it.