I Try To Tell Myself It'll All Be All Right...

Published on October 5, 2004 By Tangled Wishes In Blogging

I know that if I can just make it through these next few days, everything will be all right. I know that. I also know these next few days are going to be sooooooo hella hard, and I know that because these last few days have been so unimaginably hard. I was able to get through them because I thought they were going to be the last, I kept telling myself, "it's okay if you only have one bag of popcorn left, and only one bottle of water left, you're getting money on monday, so it's okay. You'll get through this and then on Monday you'll be able to go shopping and get real food and real water and then everything will be in the clear." And then Monday rolled around and there was no money, so I told myself, "it's okay if you don't have any food left, or any money left, you'll get your check tomorrow and then you can go shopping and get quarters for laundry and then you won't have to be jealous anymore, you'll have food and money just like everyone else. you won't have to steal from food service, you won't have to starve because there's no edible food" and then today the check wasn't there and it just swamped me.

I hadn't allowed myself to suffer for the fact that I had no money or food, I hadn't given myself the opportunity to realize just how shitty my situation was, and today when all my stupid mailbox had was a coupon book for the grocery store, I just couldn't hold back anymore and I allowed myself to cry. I allowed myself to be angry, to be depressed, and I allowed myself to do the obsessive act of checking my university email, checking to see if my financial aid check had gone through yet, and then I decided I would allow myself to be even MORE obsessive and check YET again (probably fifth or sixth time) to see how far along my financial aid had processed, and AHA! This time there was something for me to do!!! I accepted the financial aid online (loans loans loans, some day I will be paying all this off!!!) and came to realize just how much money I will be getting.

Too much, I'm sure, too, too, too much especially for a person who has gone about a month without a cent.

So much that I can't even spend it all. I've never had so much money all at once (not even at graduation) and I don't have enough things to spend it on.

Of course that's a relief, I mean, I know that there just is no way possible that I can spend all this money as quickly as I could (and will) spend the $100 checks i get every month. It is too much money for even me to spend. There aren't enough things that I want!!!

Of course, I could always buy a system for my car, and that would be really cool, but I've gone like, over three years without a nice system in my car and I've been perfectly fine. I don't really want to spend a whole ton of money on just audio anyway

It's enough money to buy me a NICE spring break vacation, basically anywhere in the world. Well except for like the ritz hotel, but I can even afford to spend one night (for sure) in the Ritz with this check.

Of course I am NOT going to blow it all on one thing, since I already got an upgrade in vehicles this summer and there just isn't anything else I can spend such a substantial chunk of money on.

Oh my Gawh!!! I'm going to have sooooo much money!!!!!!! I can literally afford to buy anything I want (of course with the stipulation that I must pay it back after college) but it isn't even terrible! I mean, I am not taking out any extra money, I am merely accepting the amount of money I deserve. Which happens to be quite a bit, thank God.

Seriously, I could quit working at Mickey D's before I even start, I'm going to be getting so damn much money!! The amount of money I'm going to get is enough to support the WORST month of my cocaine habit in high school for FOUR MONTHS, and there would be enough money left over to get drunk every weekend for a month. Or to just buy a keg of really really good beer.

Of course I'm not going to spend all my money on cocaine and alcohol. Definitely not.

And also of course I'm going to save the majority of it. There's just no way I could spend it all.

Holy shit holy shit holy shit!!!

This is ridiculously awesome.

I DEFINITELY think I'm going to be able to make it through these next few days. My plans with this money are big enough to keep me fed

Comments

dharmagrl

on Oct 05, 2004

It will be okay, Anne...but you're scaring me.

I really, really want to help you and make sure that you're safe and stable.....

Tangled Wishes

on Oct 05, 2004

Oh please, how am I possibly scary?

Wouldn't you be frickin excited if you were going to get a hugely substantial amount of money after being completely broke for a month?

Put yourself in my shoes.

dharmagrl

on Oct 10, 2004

Oh please, how am I possibly scary?

Why don't you go back and look at what you were writing days, even hours before this. Then look at this. The look at what you wrote this spring.

Here's the thing that really bothers me: a couple of weeks ago you were writing about having money and nothing to spend it on but drugs. Then you were writing about having no money at all and about having to steal food in order to survive. The you wrote about being depressed....suicidal, almost, and about how you wanted to come off your meds because you needed to feel the pain you were experiencing and get over it...but you spent most of your time stoned. Now, you have some money and you're talking..well, look at what you wrote, Anne.

That's why you scare me. Because you're cycling, and I can see that you're cycling, and I wish that I could reach out and shake you and make you open your eyes and see what's going on with you. You haven't written a 'normal' article in months, Anne. I think that you need to get some help.

I'm going to make you very happy and tell you that I'm not going to respond to your articles any more. You know where I am, how to contact me if you need me.

Tangled Wishes

on Oct 11, 2004

Listen, Dharma,

I understand you're not going to respond.

You don't even know me. How can you say what is and is not normal? I've been this way my entire life. This is normal. The ups and downs. The extremes. Everything about it has been everything about me for all of my life, and there's been no other way. Without the downs I can't enjoy the ups. Without the ups I'd never make it through the downs.

There's never been "steady" "normal" "quiet" "gray". It's always been black and white, and maybe it always will be.

And the depression issues I do have... Do you think you can take away the fact I was molested as a child? Do you think you can take away two rapes/sexual assaults? Do you think you can take away the heartbreaks, the disappointments, the days without love? There's more to it than just feeling like shit.

It's an impossible feat, Dharma, and if scores of shrinks and meds before you couldn't do it, I don't think you can either.

Sorry.

stevendedalus

on Oct 11, 2004

It's an impossible feat, Dharma, and if scores of shrinks and meds before you couldn't do it, I don't think you can either.

At least give dharma credit for her legitimate caring. I'm afraid you play right into the hands of conservative indignation when you are what you are.

dharmagrl

on Oct 11, 2004

And the depression issues I do have... Do you think you can take away the fact I was molested as a child? Do you think you can take away two rapes/sexual assaults? Do you think you can take away the heartbreaks, the disappointments, the days without love? There's more to it than just feeling like shit.

No, I don't think I can take it all away. I don't think that taking it all away is the answer. I know there's more to it than feeling like shit. But, you're letting it beat you. You are letting it define who you are. I'm not saying that you should block it all out, ignore it. i think that you should embrace your trauma, but I don't think that you should let it influence every step you take. I think that's what's happening to you now...

I know that things are always black or white with you. I can see that. That's what makes me think you're cyclothymic, and that you have been for some time now. I can see, from what you show me here, a progression. I can see the swings becoming more exaggerated, I can see the lows getting lower and the highs getting higher. I don't have to know you or your personality intimately to see that.

Tangled Wishes

on Oct 11, 2004

Little Whip:

You are correct in all areas. I know this. I don't have any pot, contrary to popular belief, and I haven't had any for probably two weeks or so. I still occasionally get high with friends, but alas I am at the mercy of others right now with that!

I just want every one to remember that what you're reading here is what I choose to let you know about me. Take it all with a grain of salt.

Of course that doesn't mean I'm lying or exaggerating, goodness no. I merely write what I want to write, and leave out what I want to leave out.

I don't know whether my highs are getting higher but I know for a fact that my lows most definitely are NOT getting lower. Example: read the articles I wrote last december. I know I was way more depressed then, for a much longer period of time.

Also contrary to popular belief, I am slowly moving through my hurts. I've more or less gotten myself through the biggest hurt I had that was consuming all of my time... Now he is just a smidgen of a memory, a thought that occasionally pops up in dreams or conversations about past relationships. Nothing more... Finally. It's taken me a long long time of hurt and pain to move through it, but I feel like I have.

And things seem so much brighter for me because of that. Finally, after well over a year, I'm no longer unavailable relationship-wise.

You know what? This is going to be too long, I'm going to make it a blog.

~Moi

The Crusaders

on Oct 12, 2004

Tangled Wishes,

Sounds like you have people who care for you here and I think what both Dharmagrl and Little Whip said is something to think about. And you know what ...cycles can be broken you can rise above your past traumas and choose a life to lead. I guess the cruncher is do you want to. It's up to you....but I think if you do decide to change your path you have some people here who can guide and advise you.
Good luck in what ever you choose and I wish the best of health and happiness for you.

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