Stories about Shanjuan and I
Things are really changing around here, in my life. A lot of things are happening. I've been changing, changing, changing and everything is in the process right now. I know that things are changing, I can feel it, I can see it. I'm not sure, but it might be wonderful.
"Was it come as a surprise to think that I was so naive? Maybe didn't mean that much but it meant everything to me."
It's weird. I've made my way back to my roots and I almost feel like I've reached a balance. Or I'm trying to reach a balance between two worlds, two mes, the one I was in the beginning, where everything I did was so depressingly cool, and then the me who got every guy she wanted, the me that was happy with her body but not totally happy. I'm trying to bridge the gap between the two.
I guess I'm biased to the way I was in the beginning. There were definitely some qualities about me that I cringe about, but overall that's my core. The foundation for building me. And somewhere along the way I lost track of that, I felt like I needed to soften my image, I felt like I needed to be "pretty" and from there on out things careened out of control.
And then I started getting girly, and I just developed this whole ultra-sexual/slash/feminine persona and I've just hated that for the past, oh, say, YEAR. It's taken me a while to see that this isn't the way that I want to be at all, which is sad, but things are becoming clearer.
I mean, I've never had a girly personality. I've always prided myself in being able to get along best with guys, or girls that aren't stuck in the whole "female gender role" crap. I find it harder to get along with girls that are ultra-girly. I mean, take mine and Shannon's formative years together. We spent 90% of the time doing something outside. Maybe even 95% of the time. And we went fourwheeling, on scooter rides, traipsing through the woods, playing buff men and trying to steal from people... And who can forget our "Fashion" shows! The "fashion" shows were Amber's favorite stories about me and Shannon.
Our views on what was really cool and really fashionable is totally obvious through these shows that we put on. (Oh man! I just remembered the plays we used to write too! What f***ed up kids we were) Anyhow. Back to the fashion shows. The clothes that we modeled, that we thought were sooo cool, were these khaki guy chinos and then we had a black Nine Inch Nails shirt that was just the creme de la creme!!!!!!!!!! And then I had these cool button shirts we wore too... And we played NIN music to "catwalk" to!!!! Haha. The things we found the most cool during our formative years was Nine Inch Nails, and Goth stuff.
No wonder we turned out to be pretty much in the same boat. I mean, not about school and stuff but with our... stuff. The important stuff.
Well I'm off to ponder such things.
~Me.