I want to be real. There is nothing i want more than anything than to be real. That's all I want. And I don't even know what real IS!! It's so weird, but I feel like I'm not who I should be, I don't know why. Haha I want to be a rock star, of course. I can sing, I could easily do it... At least, I think so. I don't forsee any problems that would for some reason... Not let me do it. Of course, I don't have a band, or anything. But really, that's not it either. Christ, who DOESN'T want to be a rock star? What I really want to do is write. I mean, I want to be holed up in some artsy loft for the rest of my life writing novelettes and articles for some random magazine. Or interview rock stars, or something. But I just want to write. I want to live every day, like I do now, experience things, and write about them.
That's fucked up though. I can't even write about the shit that HAS happened to me. Think I haven't tried? Think I don't have a million unfinished, unwritten logs of my life? I know what happened, I remember every minute, I just can't write it. I can't even look at me, it makes me so God damn sick. It shouldn't even be real. Right now it doesn't. None of anything happened to me. None of it. I just can't imagine... It answers all the questions, of why, why am I so mentally messed up? Why can't I trust, why can't I love, and when I do, why is it so scary? I KNOW why. But Jesus Christ it doesn't change a God damn thing. I fall apart every night. Tonight, too, but it hasn't been the same, lately. I haven't been looking back at it. It's like, in the rear view mirror, my past, and I see it in the corner of my eyes, but I'm not looking at it.
Who would blame me for not wanting to? Look at it. Look at me. I'm a freshman in college, falling apart nightly at my own hands, and picking myself up again every night in my sleep. I wake up smiling, fall asleep crying, wake up smiling, fall asleep crying, wake up smiling. Boring ritual, and I wish some time I could just... Not fall asleep crying, or even better, just not wake up. Yeah yeah I know I won't ever do myself in... My life is too fucked up for that. I wouldn't bother doing myself in until I write a damn good story about myself. And the best hasn't come yet, so I can't add some random, false happy ending, then blow myself away or stick my head in an oven. No, I won't do it. I kind of want to see what more will happen. I mean, my life is way better than any soap opera I've ever seen, well, minus the action, now at least.
How many soap opera characters have bawling rights to "sexual molestation as a child" "asshole father" "psychotic abusive sister from hell" "used to cut myself" "lost virginity to guy who told me the next day he liked his girlfriend better than me, hmm, didn't know he had another one" "great grandma dying soph summer of HS" "other gr8 grandma dying junior summer of HS" "very dear friend drowning week after gr8 grandma's funeral" "best guy friend I was in love with led me on then dropped me the next day" "almost raped by three guys, one was my current boyfriend" "got addicted to alcohol, then cocaine, then pain killers" "ex best friend stole boyfriend whom i convinced i was going to marry, she is now pregnant with his baby living in his garage working at walmart" "Chickened out applying to Harvard after they sent me something in the mail at least once a month to apply" "began dating a good guy friend who was racist, I'm Native American, told me every weekend i was a whore and he hated me, then called me mondays saying he was sorry 'can i cook you dinner'" "Had threesome with said boyfriend and his best friend" "Had sex with very good guy friend who was in love with me, used him accidentally, he now hates me" "Got raped by first person i had sex with, because he was told by racist exboyfriend and his racist best friend that 'he could do what he wanted to me, basically to rape me'" "dear friend died in a car accident." Here I am in college. Jesus my life is even more fucked up in letters... Then you can't see the feelings. It's cold, harsh, real. In my mind... It's just one event after another, you know? Just one event after another.
Amen.