Sans Amour and Boys

Published on September 27, 2004 By Tangled Wishes In Blogging

I am without love, but not in the whole sense... Just that one love that everyone parades around and brags about and is just all cutesy and shit about. I have friends and family and all of that stuff, and sure they care about me, but there's this big gaping hole in me that had been filled for so long, and now I feel like I've finally emptied it, and it sucks, you know? When there isn't someone you're constantly pining over, thinking about, caring about, loving, you know, that BS. I guess in a way I want that BS, but finally on my terms.

And now it's like, I know what my terms are, so I know what kind of guy I don't want, and what kind of guy is acceptable. It feels so good getting to know yourself better, doesn't it??? I think what I'm really thinking, is that I've really learned to respect myself as a woman, and a very big part of me as a woman is me as a feminist, liberal, or really I guess a radical. I am a radical, and I'm really cool with it. I am also a minority, and I identify with it much better as time goes by, and I feel that as a minority it IS important to be liberal, or radical, or whatever.

I also feel like I have gotten into a groove (the good, Stella got hers back kind of groove) with people who also identify themselves as feminists (female and male alike), or are minorities, or just people like me over all.

You know how amazing that is? I have prayed so many times to find people like me, people that I really feel like I fit in with intellectually, politically, and emotionally. And now here I am in this little world of people that I fit in with sooo well, and there really is nothing like it. I love them, and most importantly I love me! Is that an indication that there is a God? I dont know, if there is, and God intended on this happening, that is amazing and wonderful, but I'm not sure if I believe in that. I think I would like to, but that feels ideological (sp? lol).

I've found my peers, and they are so amazingly representative of me and my ideals! It's awesome.

And another thing. One of these people that I've been friends with since the beginning of last school year is a guy, and I like him. I can understand liking him, too, I mean, in more than just the "physical attraction"-slash-something-to-do kind of way. I do find him attractive, regardless of whether or not anyone else does, and I totally respect him and enjoy hanging out with him, and I just really love a lot of the things about him. I mean, he's a feminist, and he spends so much time around us (well, I guess I'm only kind of included in that us

) and girls in particular, and he's really a wonderful person with wonderful thoughts and just everything. It's weird, I mean, I totally respect him, and yet I feel this little gooey-ness when I think about it, him, everything!. I know that I could totally fall in love with him as a significant other, and I could totally enjoy being just friends with him, and I feel that that is really important. I mean, I already love the guy as a friend, and I love hanging out with him, and love things the way they are. So what does that mean? I guess it means that if I totally suppress this forever I would be A-okay with that decision.

So I guess it probably means I am going to suppress it, and it won't bother me too much, but there's all this gooeyness!

And I love the gooey feeling. I love it. It hasn't been like this in a long time, where I can say I totally know and respect and just enjoy him as a person already. It's more than "just a crush", because I feel so much more connected to him in other ways than just sex appeal. And it doesn't scare me... I'm not scared. That in itself should be scary to me, but it seems so reasonable and natural that I shouldn't be scared. I mean, it's Joe for gawsh sake. I think what is so great about this is that it IS so natural and reasonable, and I respect him so much more than any other guy I've dated.

Maybe it's easier for me, now, though, because I really have learned alot about my own personal sexuality. I feel like that really helps.

I have had a really healthy weekend. Smoked weed once yesterday and not at all today. I've eaten well and a fairly reasonable amount, and I just feel remarkably well.

Have you ever noticed how amazing the human body is? I mean, how intricate, how delicate and yet so sturdy and equally beautiful it is? And not just "beauty" beauty but TRUE beauty. Have you ever just appreciated the way your fingers move, and the way the muscles and bones look just under the skin?

It's mind-blowing.

I think this is what I was looking for.

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