Do You Sleep?

Published on September 22, 2004 By Tangled Wishes In Blogging

I don't know and I don't care if I ever will see you again...

And it comes to mind that as soon as I say that I think the opposite, and I feel so vengeful.

Wish for a perfect setting? Wishing that I am letting you take me where you want me all over again? You can't give yourself absolutely to someone else.

Anyone else.

And I'm angry. I hate everything about the way everything turned out, and there are few days when it doesn't cross my mind how fucked up things were, always were. And I'm angry because what am I supposed to do about it? The only choice I really have is to suck it up and pretend nothing bad ever happened and be "ready" to love someone else. And what the hell is up with that? I mean, we as females are taught not to take any crap in relationships, we're taught to not accept when someone is hurting us, we're supposed to protect ourselves from the wolves out there. And yet, at the same time, all people are expected to just move on past one of the terrible things we experienced (heartbreak)? Come to think of it, we're just supposed to accept and not worry about the WORST THINGS that happen to us in life. That's messed up. You know what? I'm going to do what feels the safest, best thing for my heart, and that is NOT moving on to chances of getting that feeling again. It's like touching a hot iron. It burns and you sure as hell are NEVER going to touch that iron again!

But see, this pain is the pain that lets me know I'm really alive. In fact, this is the ONLY time all day I've felt alive, with this pain. Everything else was completely unreal.

You know what the real problem with being depressed is?

You think your best days are the ones that have passed. You feel like you've already passed your prime, and as good as it's gonna get is already gone.

Why would you want to spend the rest of your life remembering things that are clearly better than anything else that's going to come?

And there's my problem, right in itself.

But you know what? I think there's something in me, something yearning for and hoping for better days to come. You wanna know why I think that? Because just as I was typing that my best days are done, I thought "I miss Wesley!" And then I got to thinking, well, I'm going to see Wesley again, and that was exciting. So maybe there's hope... But he IS in England and England is DAMN far from Minnesota, and what if he never comes back? Or what if I don't see him?

I miss Wesley.

~Me

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