Fighting my Feelings???

Hard

Published on May 10, 2004 By Tangled Wishes In Personal Relationships

Haha. My mom is a crazy lady.

Well, okay, so she isn't, but I tell ya. Sometimes she asks me these questions, and it just totally throws me for a loop!!! I mean, really. Why does she ask these questions? It's like she's reading my mind... a part of my mind I don't want to go into.

So I was sitting on the couch yesterday afternoon watching Ice Age (so cute!!!!!!) and my mom yelled from the other room, "So, did Philip become your boyfriend again last night?" And me, I just sat there like Holy Fuck. So I said, "Oh my God No! What kind of question is that???" And she answers immediately, "A GOOD question!" And I was silent.

So it got me thinking. I am pretty sure my mom has liked Philip best out of all of my boyfriends. She asks about him a lot and used to always say how cute he was, and how nice, and how terrible it was that I broke his heart.

Jeez, I know all that stuff. I have always felt terrible about fucking him over. I must have been scared, or something. I mean the feelings I felt for him were AMAZING. It was like... being new, all the time. New and fuzzy and warm all the time. Augh I used to cry about that sometimes, all alone in my room, without anyone knowing... It's not just that I broke his heart. I've broken hearts before; that was my game. It never hurt like that for anyone else. I didn't cry myself to sleep thinking about how I broke Ben's heart. Augh, sometimes it STILL hurts that I was so nasty to Philip!!! I really was. I still don't know why. I don't want to make excuses, either, but I wanted him back for so long, and paid the consequences for hurting him by not getting him back.

I even talked to this girl that really liked him last year, gave her all sorts of advice on what to do, like call him, and all sorts of stuff like that. I tried to help her to get with him as much as I possibly could!!!!! And it killed me. They were a great, really cute couple and it killed me. I guess it was a good thing for me to do though, right? I mean, I stepped aside, I hid my feelings for him, because they were so great together, and both really liked each other!!!

Well, it turns out she must have been something like me, cause she broke his heart too!!

Poor Philip.

I love that kid. I really do. I can't even express how happy I am that he's going to college only an hour and a half away from me next year. And Mo might too.

But still. This isn't right, I should keep these feelings hidden still.

Right?

Love ya

~Anne

Comments

Solitair

on May 10, 2004

Sounds like you need to go have a talk with Philip.

Stop torturing yourself with these questions. There's nothing you yourself can do to answer them. You need information from him. Go find out if the feeling is mutual. If it is then great. If not then at least you know. If he's not sure, print this article and give it to him! He'll realise how much you're sorry of rprevious wrongs and how you want to try again.

Looks like your mother can read you well

Paul.

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