I Am So Cute!!!

Published on April 18, 2004 By Tangled Wishes In Life Journals

Ok, so my telephone is a complete POS. Its battery went dead this weekend when I was home, so I put it on the charger and after about two minutes it started ringing to alert me that I had some new voice messages. Well I waited for a while before I listened to them so the phone wouldn't go dead on me, and then I deleted them.

Well fucking shit phone still kept ringing. At first it was every five minutes or so, and then there were a few ten minutes pauses, and then the shit hit the fan. Fuckin shit!!! Yeah. My phone rang every THIRTY SECONDS. Only one ring! Sometimes it would be so close together it was like two rings. That made Anne VERY angry. So, instead of throwing the phone against the wall like I really wanted to do, I picked it up and recorded myself a new message. I listened to my old one, which was totally hilarious because Anne and messages don't go too well together... I get a little forgetful and lose my train of thought and always end up leaving/having really funny messages. The one I recorded today was also very funny, but I listened to it again, and it sounded cute!!

I sounded cute!!! How exciting!!

So I had a pretty damn good weekend overall. I thought I changed, and shit, ya know, but it relieves me ever so to find I'm still the same lil bitch I was last summer. I dont know why that makes me feel good, it just does. It makes it easier for me to be happy with myself. I knew who I was then. And if I'm still her, deep down inside, then I know who I am now.

Makes things a lot easier. Of course, I was never the... sweetest... person, I was a bad-ass lil player-bitch, and with my fuckin bout of depression and NO drugs/alcohol to "enhance" it with like I usually did, I was stuck. But I've found the road back to zoloft, and alcohol, and maybe even POT!!!

Hopefully no coke, though...

Maybe it's the zoloft, maybe it's the liquor, either way I feel like I'm right the way I am.

And I discovered two great things this weekend:

1) the band atmosphere
2) the song "I Need Drugs" which may be a parody of LL Cool J's song, it doesn't matter, cause I understand that song and anyone who actually HAS had a problem with coke or something obviously knows the meaning. It hits you different.

Anyhow, toodles, and let me tell you, it's good to be back to my former self!

Now y'all can get to know me the way I like!

~Anne

Comments

dharmagrl

on Apr 18, 2004

But I've found the road back to zoloft, and alcohol, and maybe even POT!!!

Anne, I'm worried about you.

Maybe it's the zoloft, maybe it's the liquor, either way I feel like I'm right the way I am.

Honey you ARE right the way you are, even without those things. The zoloft..well, I'm not a physician so I'm not going to tell you you don't need that - but the alcohol, I AM going to tell you you don't need it, and the pot too.

I'm still worried about you. I can see you headed down a very steep, very slippery slope, and I don't want you to go there.

Tangled Wishes

on Apr 18, 2004

I know Dharma...

Sometimes I think that too. But I feel like I've got my footing.

Trust me when I say this: Anne not on zoloft=bad. Zoloft seriously saves/d my life. If I weren't on it, I would commit suicide, no lie. I'm suicidal, that's why I take it. And when I take it, i'm no longer suicidal.

I can understand the whole alcohol/pot thing. I hope it's a phase... I've struggled with lots of drugs AND alcohol use in my short lifetime, of course also with lots of pain and tragedy. I know that's a problem, but, at the same time I trust myself. I trust myself to be able to quit whatever I have to as soon as it becomes a real problem. I also can see that I'm not very far from it becoming a real problem, I'm already starting to do stupid things, and I'm ready to put the brakes on.

Just not yet. (True signs of a user, eh.) I know that it's all wrong, that if I see that I'm going to have a big problem that I should stop, but I'm enjoying myself. I know that when I start getting two hours of sleep a night, and drink every day and get too sloshed to walk that I need to stop. I know when my body starts to hurt that it's time to quit, and I do... But it doesn't hurt yet. I'm drawing it out as long as possible.

You don't HAVE to tell me the consequences of my terrible decisions, because I know what they are cause I've been there before. You would think it would stop me, but it doesn't. Of course, you can, if you want to! I won't be mad if you do. I agree with you.

You know, Dharma, this is going to sound fucked up, but when I really THINK about it, I just thank everything that I'm not doing cocaine. Spending $50 bucks a month on alcohol is way better than spending $500 a month on coke. Getting drunk a few nights a week is better than snorting pain killers every two hours every day of every week for months on end. It's good when my nose isn't constantly running from the drips. It's okay that I drink. I'm not to the point that when I snort something that really tastes worse than chalk seems like it tastes like candy.

Alcohol was never that big of a problem.

Please, have faith in me... I will stop when I really need to. I hope. I mean, if you trust me, and so does everyone else, then it will be easier to stop.

~Anne

dharmagrl

on Apr 18, 2004

Anne, I'm going to trust you. I'm going to trust you to stop when you need to. I know from my own personal struggles that when you're ready to stop, you will. People tried to guilt me into quitting drinking (and other things) and it just made me dig my heels in more. I quit, over a year ago, when I was ready to.

I think, though, that you are in a way justifying your substance use to yourself - or trying to. Saying that drinking and toking is better than snorting coke or smacking up is kind of like saying it's better to get hit by a steam locomotive than a subway train. It's all a train wreck, whichever way you look at it.

I want you to think of me as your friend though, Anne, not your parent, so I'm not going to preach at you anymore.

Tangled Wishes

on Apr 18, 2004

It's okay that you preach... Not too many other people do...

But by my comparing it to coke, is my saying well I was sure in a worse boat a year past, and I got out of it.

If I could conquer that, I can conquer anything.

Thanks for being a friend, Dharma. And sometimes friends DO need to step in.

~Anne

dharmagrl

on Apr 18, 2004

Good, I'm glad that you see it like that.

I know you can get out of it. I have faith in you...but, if I see a trend, I will let you know. Just a friendly reminder, dig?

Namaste.

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