I Can't Shake These Blues

Published on April 14, 2004 By Tangled Wishes In Life Journals

I just can't seem to shake these blues.

I have times of happiness, no doubt, but... I still get down. I don't like it. I'm trying to regulate my zoloft-taking, because I am a big dumb head who constantly forgets to take it, and if I don't take it the results are VERY BAD!!!

I should be happy!!!

I have a BUNCH of alcohol in my fridge. Three bottles of wine (albeit one is small), a bottle of Raz, Raspberry schnapps, and then a six pack of smirnoff triple black and amaretto, but the last two things aren't mine, I'm holding them for someone. But i did purchase them!! It's the most alcohol I've had at once. It's like, fifty dollars worth lol. And that should make me cheery, or at least, it used to make me cheery.

I'm probably gonna develop a problem and become a fucking alcoholic again. Hah. That would be just peachy.

But you know, I don't have any other escape.

I don't even want to wake up in the morning. Christ! I don't even want to wake up in the afternoons. I don't cry all the time, just off and on. I get sad over lots of stuff.

I feel like I'm going to puke. It's that rising in my throat... You know, everything that's going on... It's just going to swallow me whole. I'm sinking. I seriously feel like I'm drowning. You know, every time I get depressed, like, for a period of time, it seems so much more different than before. I'm always changing.

At least I'm not suicidal this time... Just down. Really down. And lonely.

I have to do some homework, or else I would nap the hour and a half before my friend and I start getting drunk.

I think I might need some serious help.

Comments

dharmagrl

on Apr 14, 2004

Anne, honey...I think that you might want to put away the weed and booze. I don't think that it's helping you...I know that you're using it to kill or at least dull your emotional pain somewhat, but I think if you continue you'll be on a slippery slope..and I don't want to see that happen.

I think your idea that you need help is a good one. Go talk to someone, a professional, if you can. Who prescribes you the Zoloft? Can you make an appoinment to talk to them? I think that what you're feeling and experiencing is totally normal considering what you've been through recently...and that with a bit of therapy and perhaps a medication tweak you'll be fine.

Please let me know how it goes....

Draginol

on Apr 14, 2004

This isn't really advice. More of an observation.

I suffer serious blues from time to time. Not the kind of blues that people talk about condescendingly when they say "Oh yea, I've had bad days too." You know the kinds of blues I'm talking about.

But what I've learned, the hard way, and maybe this will be helpful to you -- happiness comes from within. It's like a little fire deep in your heart that when it's burning brightly can warm your soul.

And the reason why it's important to know that is that before I came to realize that, I was always looking for external sources of happiness. Relationships. Activities. Whatever. And for a short time, those things would make me feel better. Though really, they didn't - they just distracted me. But once I figured out that it's about looking inside your own heart, I was able to look at things differently.

Of course, it's one thing to know that happiness comes from within and another thing to actually live it. But over time, I've been able to become much happier. I still have days when I feel blue. But it's much less intense. The feeling of hopelessness and futility don't come back the way they used to. It just takes time to change ones perspective.

Like Dharmagrl says, the booze and such will only make things worse. Look into your heart and liberate it. Be content with who you are and what you are about.

new-age nomad

on Apr 14, 2004

You know how I shake the blues? I search for beauty in everything. I don't really know how to explain it, but when I can find something beautiful about something, someone, or a situation in general, I feel like I'm on top of the world.

It's that search for beauty, I think, that's the secret to life...the secret of happiness.

Muggaz said the other day that we don't happy until we've met sad. I liked that.

Thinking of you Anne...

Trinitie

MadPoet41

on Apr 14, 2004

Anne~I'm with Dharma on this one: The booze and such are only a temporary solution and will only add to your troubles later on if you suddenly need to rely on them for strength and escape on a regular basis, etc.

I sometimes miss my booze and pills (prescription) so much! It all calmed me down tremendously, made me MUCH friendlier and sociable, and I even liked to go out and dance and drink all night with my crazy friends and make a complete fool of myself!

. Well, after around 10 years of living this way~my so-called solution (booze and pills) became much worse than the panic and fear and depression I was trying so desperately to get away from. I can honestly say that if I had never sought real help, and become 100% sober~I'd more than likely have become a homeless person, and eventually lost what little good health I might have left to me, etc. I mean, I was certainly heading in that direction....If it was a choice between spending my hard earned money on food or a drink? I ended up buying the drink, and just not eating anymore. I even stopped paying my phone and electric bills, etc. Really scary stuff.

But you are still so young...there's so much time and opportunity on your side, huh? I would just suggest to you that you think a little bit about what Dharma suggested, and then follow your mind and heart as best you can? I know how very strong you are! So I am confident you will sort through all these difficulties, and become an even stronger and happier person as a result. And keep writing these blogs and poems, huh? Because it's a cool release for you, and helps you to feel less isolated in your journey, k? Most of us here know you have had to cope with A LOT of very bad news lately~losing friends is ALWAYS very hard on the survivor. So please don't feel judged by any of us now, huh? We are TOTALLY on your side, and only want you to be happy and less depressed. So we try to come up with our own solutions for you, and simply hope for the best. I know you're gonna be fine in time! So just hang in there, and know we are all thinking of you here.

~MadPoet

P.S. That last poem you posted about the candle in the window for a lost friend? It took my breath away....

WiseFawn

on Apr 14, 2004

Tangled Wishes- Sometimes when you're on a road to recovery, all you see is the potholes, because you are concentrating on them. Someone told me that at a very low point in my life, when all I could see was the bad. He also promised me that the potholes get better. He was right. Even when it seems that the universe just keeps putting new ones there. You are very much in my thoughts.

dharmagrl

on Apr 14, 2004

Haha! Brad's a bodhisattva (an enlighted being, one on their way to enlightenment), and so's Mad..and they don't even know it!

Seriously , Anne...I've been blue before, the same kind of blue Brad's talking about. It happens pretty regularly..at least, it has been for the past few months. Mad's been there too...we've both been so bad we literally couldn't get out of bed.

I have some thoughts for you...I'll list some of them here, and if you want more you can email me and we'll talk more: dharmagirl69@yahoo.com.

First of all, Brad's advice is sage: you have to be happy inside before you can be anything else. You have to embrace whatever it is that's making you unhappy, instead of trying to block it out using substances. Don't run away from it anymore, face it head on.

I truly believe (and I think Mad will agree) that the only way you can be happy with yourself and who you are is to confront your demons. You can project them onto someone or something else, sure, but at the end of the day when you're alone with yourself they'll still be there. You don't have to rid yourself of them, you can just accept them; not hide from them anymore..and I think you'll find that, after a time, they'll quiet down or maybe even leave.

Namaste, Anne my friend.

Secondly, I think that what you're going through now has a lot to do with the loss of your friends to the war.

Dan Kaschel

on Apr 14, 2004

Sorry, no advice... but here's a hug. ()

~Dan

6969jimbo6969

on Apr 14, 2004

Hey there!
Please, go to this site, 'Stat!!' as my nurse friends say. www.prozactruth.com/zoloftstories.htm. These feelings are very likely a result of the SSRI poison, excuse me, "medicine"(loud wretching sound from extended puking)that you have taken as part of the "War on Drugs" prescription plethora that has taken over our culture.

You sound like you may have a difficult road ahead with alcohol. Pot is almost certainly NOT a big problem. But the main thing is you need a circle of real friends who will be really REAL with you. I mean this, not only in a 12-Step-Program sort of way, but in terms of how brutally grotesque we are as a culture to be gobbling down 150 million scrips a year of hyper-addictive, life-deadening chemicals in order to fight what are generally normal ups and downs.

You may be one of the fractional fraction of folks who really benefit from these things. Why did you start taking Zoloft to begin with? Check out this website, find some naturopathic and herbal remedy practitioners in your vicinity. And remember, life and love are both choices. I choose to love you, because you can make a difference for my children. You are amazing. Trust yourself enough to reach out. Take Dharmagirl up on her offer. My e-mail is freebird6969@mac.com. An herbalist friend, who can put you in touch with a HUGE nationwide support network on issues like this, is at judidaye@mindspring.com.

Remember, there is no cure for life except living. Breathe. Exercise. Take long showers. Take long walks. Find a lover who cares for you. Hang out with friends. Reach out where there are hands ready to receive you. We've all been there, at the brink of the sink, looking down the drain. Imagine the day when you can howl with laughter about it.

Solitair

on Apr 15, 2004

Anne one thing you said above rings out as very untrue.

I don't have any other escape

That is never the case. You may not see other options, you may not like other options, but there are always other ways to go and other routes to take. I must be honest and admit that I have never been seriously depressed. Sure i've felt down for no real reason and had the odd cry, but in reaity I just have never felt that level of depression that many here talk about. That probably makes any advice from me suspect but I'll give it anyway.

I like to think that I never get cseriously depressed as I can always think of somethnig that makes me happy. There is always some light somewhere that I can focus on. That seems to be what you are missing. Your current lifestyle and friends are not giving you all you need. You need more. You need a future and a hope to look forward to. Go find something else to do with some of your evenings rather than sitting at home drinking with friends. Go find an active group to belong to. Whether it's a sports club, a fitness class, a society, charity work, a hobby class, or whatever. You need something else in your life and alcohol is not it. Something to look forward to. Somethnig to cheer you up when your down.

I really hope you find it.

Paul.

SundaysLost23

on Apr 16, 2004

I feel this too, sometimes. But I want you to know that there is happiness out there, and it can be found in the places you suspect the least. Read my last blog entry, Tifinee. I think you'll understand.

Tangled Wishes

on Apr 18, 2004

I just wanted to let you guys know that I'm really glad you're so supportive of me. I'm feeling okay now, but I don't know...

I don't know a lot!

Thanks so much.

~Anne

Dan Kaschel

on Apr 18, 2004

I was hoping you'd respond, Anne.

~Dan

dharmagrl

on Apr 18, 2004

Reply #12 By: Dan Kaschel - 4/18/2004 6:44:33 PM
I was hoping you'd respond, Anne.

~Dan

Me too.

Tangled Wishes

on Apr 18, 2004

(Thats supposed to look like a sad grin, cause that's what's on my face.)

Thanks guys.

~Anne

Dan Kaschel

on Apr 19, 2004

It'll look brighter someday. Meanwhile, it's nice to know friends are behind you, right?

~Dan

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