My life is now dramatic.
For christ's sake I've tried so damn hard to keep it calm, cool and collected!!!
No matter, here I am. I don't want any drama but I can't help it right now and that makes me crabby. But I guess I'm learning more about myself every day.
I don't want relationships. With men, I mean. I don't want to date. I don't want to get attached and I don't want to fall in love because it always ends up so fucking weird. Everything gets so complex and confusing that I don't even know what's going on anymore.
I'm going to do one good thing for one more person and then I'm done. No more favors. No more friends. (Don't take that the wrong way!!! I still want all my friends. Just no more... dramatic friends.) No second chances. Maybe no first chances, even! That would make it almost easier.
I guess easier doesn't really matter. I'll keep on trucking, like my mother says "Stay strong Anne stay strong!!" And It's not that I'm not strong. I'm very strong. Too strong. Where's my opportunity to be weak? Where's my opportunity to just cry? Gone with everything else. I have no opportunities to just let go, to just put my trust in someone, anyone, and cry. And let them take care of me. I've been strong so long that I always end up taking care of everyone else. And if I need a hug, if I feel like crying, if I need a sappy crappy movie and a bowl of popcorn, it's just me myself and I. Hardly anyone even knows the vulnerable side of me anymore. I don't even know how anyone would react, so I just sit in my room, lay in my bed, and cry. Alone. And don't tell anyone about it.
I don't want to have to be the strong one, the one that everyone can turn to support no matter what. The one that always give hugs but when she needs one, no one is around. I don't like being the support system. And so I turn to my bottle of little blue pills, that represent every bad memory and event in my life, and I swallow them, break them down, and eventually digest them. And forget them. And that is the best way.
And then I turn my iron-hard resolve to Pilates and yoga, hoping that these things will, like my little blue pills, make me satisfied with my life and my self the way that they are. How can I change things? The way that everything is right now, it's all irreparable. I have no escape from my life, and I know that. I am trying to change everything that can be changed.
But there are things that can't be changed. I know I'm far away from some of my closest friends, and my family. I can't change that. I can't afford to go to another school, and it will be summer soon, anyhow. I can't change my sister. I have two choices with her: spend my life worrying about whether she will change or do something even stupider than everything she already has done (like kill someone?) or completely ignore her existence. And neither of those make me very happy.