In Order For A Better Body
There are lots of tiny girls out there. I've known it for a while. I've pretended not to be bothered by it. I told myself that they have bad personalities, or they're ugly, or something like that. I tried to make myself feel better about not being tiny.
But it's all come to an end.
I used to have a visible four-pack. It was sexy as hell. Of course, that was three years ago, when I was in gym class every day, but still. I can change that. I need to change that. I can't handle it anymore.
I don't like looking at my stomach when it isn't flat all the way down anymore. I don't like that little pudge that it's got. Something's got to be done, and it's got to be done now! I need to be in tip-top shape for the summer, so I can run about in my Ralph Lauren swimsuit and feel sexy as hell!!
It does bother me that I have to push myself to fit in to a demeaning standard in order to be accepted as a beautiful woman. It does bother me that I'm not automatically size three, but I'm 5 feet 9 inches tall and I have big bones. I could never be a size three. It's physically impossible for me. And it does bother me that my mother wasn't blessed with a tiny figure, and so neither was I. I don't like the fact that I can never share clothes with some of my friends. I don't like the fact that next to some people I look huge, even if I'm not. I don't like the fact that I can no longer fit perfectly into my size nine prom dress. I don't like the fact that when I go into stores, it's not as easy to find my size as it was before, since I've gained weight. I'm not a whale, I'm not even very big, I just don't fit in the stereotype.
And I shouldn't want to fit into that stereotype! I shouldn't want to have a 26 inch waist! I should be happy with myself the way I am. I should accept the body I'm in and love it for what it is.
But since I've peaked at the weight I am now, I haven't even been hit on by a single guy. I know, I know, that doesn't measure my self worth. But to be suddenly not attractive to males is totally crushing.
So I'm willing to give up the bigger tits I have from having gained weight, in order to be closer to perfect. In order to be better. I can't just smile and say, I'm hot as hell the way I am! Because I'm nineteen and I'm not 125. I probably never will be 125, and if I ever am, it will be disgusting and unhealthy.
But I don't ever want to be 190, and not even to say thats a big size at all... It's just... not good enough for me. And it's okay to me if it's good for someone else. I wouldn't even think of someone as gross or anything like that if they weigh 190. But I never want to go there. I want to be tiny. And since I can't be tiny, then I'll have to settle with smaller.
That's just the way life goes these days.
Who set these ridiculous standards, anyway????
~Anne