This is the only way I have of contacting you, once again. I don't know how long it will take you to respond, or to read this, but I feel like you will read it at some point or other.
I miss you. I don't care what I think anymore. I wish I could talk to you, I wish you would call me, I wish I knew your real number but I would never call you, never in a million years. It was so long since I heard your voice, and now I haven't, and I'm lonely. And I don't care what anyone else says.
I miss you. I want to know how you're doing. You always meant a lot to me. I want you to be happy, I want you to be healthy, and I guess I don't want much of anything else. I don't expect you to call me, or ever come back to me, and even if you did I don't know if I'd have open arms. I hope not, but we're not there so I couldn't say.
I want to be your friend, though. My life is a lot sadder without hearing your voice. You make me laugh, you make me smile, and we have so many old jokes, and old times behind us. But that doesn't matter. I've made it all these months with those times behind me, and even if I wasn't happy, I left them behind.
Don't get me wrong. I still get sick even THINKING about saunas. And what you did to me really made me feel bad. But you already know that. I don't need to rub salt in the wound, and I certainly don't want to make you more depressed than you already are. I suppose you're wondering why I'm writing this to you, why I care.
It's the same reason why you called me at six AM after you attempted suicide, when there were a million other people you could have called, could have talked to, who may or may not have been happier to hear from you. And yet you called me, and yet I'm writing this to you. (I like writing to you.)
There is no one in the world like you. There's no one in the world I'd ever want to forgive, besides you. And if I had to choose to be on a desert island with anyone in the world, anyone at all, I would pick you. You might not pick me, but that's ok. You're special. You're actually amazing, though sometimes terrible, and that's probably because you have no idea how you are. How everything you are. How important you are to me no matter what you say, or what I say. Maybe you won't always be first on my list, and maybe I won't always be first on your list (though it's been almost three years and I still am, who knows what may change?). But you will always be one of the most important people in my life, and you matter to me. Your opinion makes a difference. How you think of me matters, to an extent. I don't think I would ever hurt you, I've never really done anything too terrible to you. Wait that's a lie. I was cruel to you after that summer breakup. But I apologize.
You know, it makes me sick without you. Especially since I know how you feel about me. Do you think that, no matter how much two people love each other, and want each other, even if they love each other more than any one else, that they can't be together? If you say yes, that despite all that love, despite all of the caring, no matter how much they mean to each other, that they CANNOT be together, then I will give you up. I will never stop loving you, maybe I won't ever love anyone more than you, and I sure won't love anyone like I love you. But if you tell me it's possible for two people who love each other very much to not be together, no matter what, then I will walk away forever. And then you can too. But if you say it is possible, I will keep on trying forever and ever and ever, until we're dead or until I'm blind or until someone else steals me away.
So tell me what you think, and you can lie and say yes if you want to, if it makes things easier between us, and then we can let go forever. But you don't lie to me, not about your feelings, and if you do you always feel guilty and end up either trying to kill yourself or you just simplify it and tell me. I trust you. I know you didn't mean to hurt me. But tell me what you need to tell me, and then we can be done, or we can keep trying until we're old and gray and married to other people but still try, try, try. Shall we give it up?
In case you haven't noticed yet I love you. I didn't say it back because I was scared. The first time and only time I've ever been too scared to say it. But I can now. I could scream it at the top of my lungs if I thought you could hear it. But you can't, so I'll just write it.
I love you. I love you. I love you. I always will. Please respond to this. I don't care if you're ????????? or anyone, I'll know it's you no matter what name you choose. I love you. I love you. I love you. And I don't care if you love her. You love me more, and I know that, too.