Humorous title, so I see... I wish the whole topic of this blog was humorous but it isn't.
I am suffering extreme stress. And I don't know what to do about it.
What do you do when you hope and pray for so long that someone would still love you, for so long without any reason, with only hope and prayer and tons of evidence proving that they DON'T love you anymore, to the point that you finally give up and try moving on with you life---
What do you do when this person calls you after months of silence
What do you do when this person tells you that they still DO love you
What do you do when everything in theirs and your lives would do everything to prevent the two of you from loving each other, to keep you apart
What do you do when this person wants to see you again
when they tell you that they think about you all the time, despite months and months of silence
when they tell you how good it is to hear your voice
when there is no reason for them to lie to you, this time, because there's no way you would ever need to hear these things, there's no reason for them to even tell you this, because of months and months of silence?
What do you do say to all that? What did I say? All I could say was "Don't say that, don't think like that" and then as a reply to "I love you, Anne" all I could muster was "Yeah, take care."
The words that echoed through my head for hours after that. "Yeah, take care." When I wanted with all of my heart and soul to say "I love you" back, to say all the things I've wanted to say through those months of silence, after all the anger and hurt subsided, and all that was left was love, stupid unrequited love.
When I wanted to cry tears of joy, and relief, when the one person I felt I loved and needed and cared about more than anyone in the world told me he still loved me. After everything. When I could only think, "Of course he would" because I always thought I knew what he always wanted. And it turns out I guess I did always know what he always wanted...
And the only thing there's room for in my heart besides the sorrow of everything else around me now is fear. That's why I didn't say I love you back. That's why I didn't say all those things that have been in my heart all those months of silence, why I didn't give him any clue that I feel anything at ALL for him. I've said it all so many times, I've fought so hard so many times to show him how much I cared, I sacrificed my heart to prove how much I loved him and all for nothing... And I won't do it again... I won't try. I won't say all the things in my heart. This time he will do the talking. This time he will do the crying, the trying, the needing, and if it has to be, this time he will be the one alone in the end. I don't want him to be the one alone in the end, but this time it won't be me.
I will be his friend. I will go see him, because he needs someone, and it will be refreshing to talk to him while he's sober, after so many months. But I'm not going to be the one to break up a happy home. I'm not going to be the one laying my heart on the line, and I'm not going to let my self be the one hurt. I won't throw my heart out this time.
But don't think I don't care about him. The three things I've always wanted for him was 1) his sobriety 2) his happiness and 3) for him to love me.
So I don't have what I want with him, and there is no chance of my being happy with him unless all three of those things come true.
But on a lighter note, my dear dear wonderful friend MATT called me!!!!! I haven't called him back, but just the fact that he called pretty much sends me over the edge. YAYAYAYAYAYAY!