Being an angry and bitter person usually takes up most of my time. I know I'm angry and bitter and I embrace it. I know I push people away and luckily I have friends who are understanding of that and have experienced it, and they put up with it. I'm lucky I have friends that put up with it. Most people will allow me to push them away.
I wonder who I appreciate more... the people who don't understand what I'm trying to do and therefore don't resist, or the people who know what I'm doing and resist.
It's not that I don't have people skills, I just am usually too angry to use them. I don't feel like I have to care. I don't feel like I have to use people skills. I feel like I should have the freedom to do whatever the fuck I want. There it is right there, my innermost motivation and mantra: "I should have the freedom to do whatever the fuck I want." I suppose I feel this way because I'm so damned bitter and angry--if I have to put up with this terrible shit then I should be able to retaliate and act however I please.
Why am I so bitter and angry? Why do I have to push people away?
As far back as I can remember in my relationships, I have always pushed people away. I've pushed my parents away many a time before, I've alientated myself from my sister, I've left boyfriend after boyfriend after boyfriend, I've pushed away my closest friends and walked out on them over what can easiest be summed up as nothing. And when I say "pushed away" I pretty much mean tried to completely sever all ties between myself and whoever else the other person is. All the while feeling angry and knowing deep down inside what I'm doing isn't right, knowing that isn't what I want to do.
And when I really need someone to just hold me (my friends, family and sister don't hold me when I need it), I get angry at the fact that I don't have anyone to comfort me and think to myself, God damn it if no one is going to offer me the support and love I'm practically dying for then FUCK EVERYONE! I don't need anyone!!! Ask Rachel how many times I have told her I don't need anyone. And she can tell you every time I lash out at her she's guilty of no more than merely hanging out with her boyfriend, or perhaps even less. It's the case with everyone else, too, except for my sister. What makes me sad about her, though, is that I feel soooo terrible because she gets support and love from even less people than me and every time I think about it I just want to be so nice to her and give her love and support like she needs and then my anger just takes over and I say terrible terrible things and ruin all plans of being a good sister. I mean, I may have pretty much been without a sister all along, but now that I think about it she hasn't had one either.
So why the hell am I angry? I feel that people that are angry are either unhappy with themselves or they are lacking something in their lives. I am unhappy with myself, yes, but it just doesn't feel like a good enough excuse for me to be as angry as I am, as bitter and unable to maintain friendships and relationships, without being able to get past being angry.
If I'm going through the mourning process, when did it start and why can't I move on?
I am comfortable in my anger, though. I have worn it forever and it fits me perfectly, I know exactly how to move when it's on, I know when I am using it. I also know it's just an excuse without an answer right now, I know that it's there but I don't know why. I also know that anger is unhealthy and bad but it's one of those things that I have. I don't have a whole hell of a lot, but I've got my depression, I've got my anger, and I've got my addictions, and I wear them all like a shield.
When will I ever be able to change and let someone inside without ever trying to push them away? Or am I one of those kinds of people we learned about in my human sexuality class, the ones who because of some event in their infancy they are cursed to forever be unable to love?
Will I regret the life I lived as I lay dying?
Will I be able to change my ways or die alone?
See, I'm not unintelligent. I feel somewhere down there I am extremely intelligent, my anger is just blocking out all reason and sensibility. I know.